Common Courtesy

What has happened to everyone's manners? 

I don't mean the day-to-day "pleases" and "thanks yous" we say to each other in passing.  Or, because we are all so hopelessly Canadian, I am also not referring to the constant need to say "I'm sorry" for absolutely everything we do. 

I'm referring to how we treat each other, friends and strangers alike, as we trudge through our busy lives. 

One of my biggest pet peeves involves going to the mall.  I generally avoid the mall like the plague, and I when I have to go, I try and go alone because I find people are just not that considerate when it comes to parents with young children.  If you're familiar with any mall, you'll know well that every entrance has a bank of double doors -- like 6 options to enter/exit from.  Why is it that people will follow me to the exact same door I'm headed for, watch me struggle to open the door and then attempt to push the stroller through, and then expect me to hold the door for them?  First of all, if I'm struggling with a stroller, you have two options:  go to one of the other 5 doors that are currently not in use, or offer to hold the door open for me.  It'll be much quicker and smoother if you use option 2 (just a hint).  I find the only people that "get it" are parents with other small children...and for the most part, they're not at the mall either.  I recently was in the bank and had the baby in the bucket and the toddler hanging onto my other hand, and a lovely man about my age opened the door for me and said "I know what it's like -- my kids are about the same age as yours".  It was such a small gesture, but it made things so much easier for me, and it made my heart smile that someone had noticed that I needed a bit of help to keep moving. 

I am not so technologically savvy that I live my whole life surrounded with the latest and greatest "toys", but I do like my email and live a lot of my life online.  It's easy.  It's quick.  I can type faster than I can write.  I also come from the working world that has embraced online working so it's what I know. 

What I can't figure out is why so many people haven't figured out that living through email doesn't mean you drop your manners when you push the power button on your computer.  Maybe it's the fact that I come from a business world that expects a response.  When you are conversing with colleagues across the country, they expect you to acknowledge and continue a conversation via email.  So why now is it different?  Is it because what I have to say now just isn't that important?  I'll tell you something, what I had to say then wasn't that important either, but I never felt like I was being ignored.  I do my best to acknowledge emails that are sent to me.  I make mistakes....I think "oh I'll get to it later when I have time" and then days pass and I realize I haven't responded.  It really bothers me when I do that.  If you have asked me a question, I don't want you to think that I don't care.  So if you have asked me for something, and I send it to you, could you please acknowledge that I sent it?  At least then I know you received it. 

Thank you in advance :)

Olympic Fever

I haven't posted much lately, but I have a good excuse.  The Olympics are on.

I love the Olympics.  I love sports in general, but there is something about the Olympics that I just can't get enough of.  I even religiously watch events I know nothing about (alping skiing anyone?).  Not only that, I get very into them, sitting on the edge of my seat, willing our Canadian athletes to greatness.  I swear, all our gold medals have come because of how hard I have gripped the edge of my couch, and how strongly I have willed them on.  We have another week to go and some or our biggest events to come.  I may have an ulcer at the end of all this.  Fortunately, my husband shares my "olympic fever" so I never have to worry about someone wanting to change the channel. 

While watching these games, I have been struck (once again) by the amazing dedication it takes to become an elite athlete.  The years of training, their focus, and of course, the money that goes into them being able to achieve their dream....it's astounding.  I don't think I've ever had that much singlemindedness toward anything (not even eating, and I love food).  The high that comes from achieving your goal -- the goal you've been working toward for four years (or longer) -- must be unbelievable.  I also can't imagine the devastation of not even being able to compete due to injury, or "wiping out" mid race and not finishing.  Even if you weren't favoured to win a medal, everyone deserves to try.  I can't imagine training years and years for something and wiping out off the starting gate. 

But that's the point.  The point is, these athletes work HARD for that moment...the moment to just try.  How often do we sit back and convince ourselves that it would be easier to do nothing, or keep things the way they've always been?  How often do we worry about what others will think of us, or don't bother talking about the changes we're trying to make because we don't want to be judged?  How often do we think to ourselves "I just can't be bothered to justify this one more time so I'm giving up"? 

Recently, I was privvy to a very wise woman saying "I'm a much better mom now than I was 7 years ago".  She was speaking in reference to her days as a mother to toddlers (her kids are now in school).  My first thought was THANK GOD!  I don't want to be the same person/wife/mother 10 years from now that I am today.  I'm pretty glad that today I'm not the person I was 10 years ago.  I want to keep pushing myself to grow and become better.  To keep learning and changing, to become a deeper, more involved woman. 

I will continue to make changes to make myself better.  I'm going to make mistakes, and I'm going to fall short some days.  I'll work hard for my moment to try, and today might be the day I wipe out.  But I'm going to get back up, shake myself off, and keep working so I can try again.  Trying, even if you fail, often provides us the best learning opportunities. 

So I say enjoy the ride.  Enjoy the try. 

The No-Win Parenting Solution

I have noticed in my 31 months of being a parent, that the advice for parenting these days is designed to make you feel like a failure.  Your child hasn't achieved the gold-standard of sleep (a.k.a sleeping through the night) by the time they're 3 months old?  Fail!  They're not crawling by 6 months?  Fail!  Walking by a year?  Fail!  Not eating a well-balanced diet?  Fail!  Not potty-trained by the age of two (or earlier)?  Fail!  I could go on and on, but you get the picture. 

The worst part about this is we all buy into it!  And perpetuate these messed up ways of thinking onto each other, which only makes us all feel worse about our parenting skills. 

Who makes these crazy rules?  The people that write the books.  Have you been to a bookstore lately?  The pregnancy/parenting section is one of the largest non-fiction sections in the store, and probably the most diverse.  There is a book for everything...probably even on subjects you haven't even thought of. 

I want to write a book because apparently that's what you need to have some credibility.  Or a study of some sort.  If I could say I was published, I might be able to have some influence.

I am going to title my book "Relax Already".  Or how about this:  "Listening to Your Gut:  A Lost Art".  Seriously, what has happened to us?  Our mothers didn't have all these so-called resources, and for the most part, I think they did quite fine!  Sure, my mother was painting with lead paint days before she gave birth to me, but I think I turned out okay!  It seems to me that peeing on a pregnancy test and seeing that positive result means we need to check our brains at the door and start following the rules laid out for us by all of these other so-called experts.  What I want to know is when did I stop being an expert on myself?  And once I actually gave birth to this little person, clearly I couldn't be an expert on him either.  I'd never done this before!  How arrogant of me to think I could actually cope without reading a million books on how to get my baby to eat/sleep/talk/walk......

I'm not saying the authors of these books don't have some good suggestions.  Some of them have excellent advice and when you're at the end of your rope, sometimes you just need a new way to think of things so that you can see your way clear of the problem.  My advice has always been "take a little from column A, a little from column B, a little from your gut, and somewhere in the middle you'll find the right way to do things".  I can tell you what worked for my little man when he was a baby, but your baby's personality may not be like his so it may not work for you.  I guess my issue is when women take the advice of the author of Book X and allow it to supercede their own gut instinct.  Just because a well-known, multi-published author tells you to let your baby "cry it out", doesn't necessarily make it the right decision. 

Don't get me wrong, I've fallen prey to the competitiveness of other parents, and the stress that comes with each new "milestone".  I wasn't worried about the fact that the toddler wasn't walking, but it still bothered me that he wasn't keeping up with his peer group.  Of course, now he's walking fine, so all that energy I expended on comparing him to his friends was wasted energy.  Hindsight is 20/20 though. 

I am the expert on my own children.  Barring one week vacation this past summer, I have been with the toddler every day since he was born -- so 31 months and counting.  I've been with the baby every day since his birth, nearly 6 months ago.  I know their personalities (well, I'm learning them day by day) and I know what will and won't work with them.  So judge me if you will for the fact that my toddler is still in diapers, or for the fact that he still sleeps in a crib, or that the baby doesn't sleep through the night.  I'm okay with it because I know they'll get there.  I'm not going to read some book to tell me I'm doing something wrong, or that I could be doing something better.  My gut tells me I'm doing a pretty good job already. 

A new obsession

I can feel myself getting obsessed. 

When I'm interested in something, or learning something new, I like to research.  When we decided we wanted to start trying to have a family, I became obsessed with learning about my body.  I had been on birth control for so long, I knew very little about how my system worked.  I read a wonderful book on the advice of a good friend, and have since made many of my female friends read this same book (really, it should be required reading for women...it's shocking how little most women know about their bodies).  I loved learning about how my system worked, and am now very in sync with my body.  After giving birth to the toddler, I became obsessed with all things birth related.  I loved learning about the how the body works during pregnancy, labour, birth and postpartum.  I couldn't get enough of the knowledge, and pursued it into a new "career".  While pregnant with our second child, I decided that we would use cloth diapers.  I researched and researched and researched all the multiple options.  The more I learned, the more I wanted to know.  When I finally pulled the trigger and bought some diapers, and then started using them....well, much to the dismay of my husband, I discovered a new obsession.  I love finding the nicest diapers on sale, and trying out new and different options that will suit our many needs.  They really are quite pretty too. 

You get the picture.  I'm not really a "half way" kind of person.  It's all or nothing with me.  And if I'm being truly honest, if I'm going to bother putting any of my valuable time and energy into something, it will always be ALL of me. 

I grew up with a mother who was very ahead of her time.  In the 70's, as the world was slowly becoming more and more hooked on "conveniences" like formula, disposable diapers and processed foods, I was fortunate enough to be born to a woman who believed in extended breastfeeding, cloth diapering, and natural clean living.  My mother is amazing.  She had three children under 5 by the time she was 28 years old.  She was married to a man who was significantly older, and significantly useless when it came to parenting.  Even before she was officially a single mom, as far as I'm concerned she raised us all on her own.  We were fed, cared for, clothed, sufficiently disciplined, and lived in a clean house to boot. 

I've often wondered how she did it (I think she sometimes does too).  When feeling my most tired, my most sluggish, I couldn't figure out how to keep on top of anything in my life, much less EVERYTHING.  It's tough living in that kind of shadow.  Fortunately, I have a mother who believes in helping me out, not judging me.  I'm grateful for that. 

Looking back, I don't really remember my mother ever having a weight issue.  I'm sure, like any woman, she struggled with her looks and weight.  But I don't ever remember her crash dieting, or joining Weight Watchers, or doing any of the other crazy things women did in the 80's to lose weight.  When she started going through menopause, she never experienced the crazy symptoms you often hear women describe.  Amazingly, she was really fairly even...for several years... as her hormones changed. 

Knowing what I know now, I can say with absolute certainty that my mom has been able to keep her hormones balanced because she has always treated food as food.  Meaning, for her, food doesn't come in a box.  She prefers vegetables to meat.  She doesn't overly care for sugar or sweet things.  And as much as possible, she will eat organic (or at the very least local) produce and meat. 

My weight issues really began in late university.  If you had asked me when I was 16 if I thought I was fat, I would have told you yes.  But I wasn't.  I was a healthy weight and active.  By the time I reached university, my diet had started to favour more processed and "easily accessible" food choices.  I still lived at home, so many meals were still under my mother's control, which is why I think I didn't balloon earlier than that.  By the time I moved out at the age of 24, I was eating hardly any fruit or vegetables, and more and more meals from a box.  My weight began to creep up.  I was less and less active.  I avoided walking, choosing to either take the bus or drive.  Add in a disastrous relationship with both my father and my first husband, and "emotional eating" took on a whole new meaning for me.  By the time I was 29 I was at my all time highest weight.  I wasn't sure how I got there at the time, only that it seemed to be overnight.  I tried crash dieting.  The soup diet.  Weight Watchers.  Starvation.  Deprivation.  Nothing worked. 

I started to do crazy things to my metabolism.  Anti-depressants not only helped my through depression, they helped me shed the excess weight.  I dealt with my emotional issues through months of therapy.  I thought I was cured. 

After getting married in early 2006, my weight started to creep up again.  I thought it was because I was happy and comfortable.  In reality, it was because we ate out a lot, had no concept of portion control, and ate a lot of processed foods with relatively little fruits and vegetables in our diet.  I was frustrated, so I went on anti-depressants again PURELY for weight loss.  Of course, they didn't work.  Well, they worked to mess up my metabolism, but didn't help me shed the weight.  Then, getting pregnant helped to mess up my metabolism further.  To say I get sick when pregnant is an understatement.  I take morning sickness to a whole new level.  So, my body lives in 'famine' mode while pregnant, and then as soon as I have the baby, it goes back to 'feast'.  Long story short, for the last several years I have been the worst kind of yo-yo. 

When I got pregnant with the toddler, I decided our crazy processed life needed to stop.  It wasn't how I wanted to raise my child.  So, I started introducing organic foods into our family.  I am a proud extended breastfeeder.  I made my own baby food.  I have limited sugar in my child.  The more I learned about how our food is made, the more it made me want to only have organic foods in my pantry.  The more I learned about how chemicals affect our life, the more it made me want to change EVERYTHING.  I couldn't stop.  I kept learning and learning, wanting to know more and more so that we could be better.

All this time, it was never about my weight.  I continued to be a heavy weight, just with healthier choices in the fridge. 

And then someone came along and taught me how to put all these things together.  For me, it's been like a switch has gone off in my head.  I had all the tools in my toolbox, but I wasn't using them all correctly.  And I just want to know more. I love learning about how to incorporate clean eating into all aspects of our life.  I've been trying new recipes, which has been fun.  There is so much information out there on gluten-free/sugar-free living, there aren't enough hours in the day for me to find it all.  I have two books on my nightstand on the go...and neither are fiction.  I am quickly becoming obsessed with finding new baking recipes to try.  I'm planning on how to change my pantry and fridge so that they both can accomodate the many new gluten-free flours I'm going to need on hand.  I can't stop.  More importantly, I don't WANT to stop. 

I feel great.  I've lost 10lbs.  My breastfed baby's skin has cleared up (he had some dry patches) and his cradle cap is almost gone.  His sleeping issues have been corrected.  The toddler's cradle cap has nearly cleared up.  He hasn't had any issues with constipation in over a month.  He is getting a bit more adventurous with eating and is now wanting to try vegetables and is eating fruit like it's going out of style.  My husband has lost 10lbs.  His sugar intake has been drastically reduced. 

I'm totally and utterly hooked.  Now, off to do more internet research and read the lastest post in my newest favourite blog....

My favourite time of day

Last week, I had a few rough days in a row.  Sleep deprivation plus a baby who was fighting a cold made for one unhappy mama.  I found myself wishing the days away, waiting for 6pm when my husband comes home. 

On the weekend, I was given a very gentle (very needed) reminder to stay in the present and enjoy every moment I have with my children.  I'm glad I regained my perspective because it has opened my eyes to my favourite time of day. 

There are many, many, many moments throughout every day that I love and cherish.  But the best comes in the evening when daddy is home.  Daddy does "bath time" with the boys every night.  While he is doing that, I have a few minutes to myself to either clean up the kitchen from dinner, or just sit down and check my email.  You'd think that was my favourite time. 

The best time is actually right after baths.  The boys are enjoying "naked time" (baby just had his bath, toddler just about to bathe), and the four of us are just hanging out having fun for a few moments before the kids go to bed. 

I feel badly for my husband.  During the week, he gets about an hour of time with the baby, and maybe two hours at best with the toddler.  I know he looks forward to this time as well because it is his time to connect with the kids. 

Tonight, as the baby was working on getting up on all fours, and the toddler was running around stark naked and laughing his head off, I felt totally and utterly happy.  And blessed.  Blessed that these boys (and one man) are MINE.  It made me want to press the pause button.  There is something so innocent about the little bare bums, and the silliness of a two and a half year old, and just letting the kids be. 

It's always so sad when this moment is over...the baby starts getting cold and fussy because it's time for him to eat and go to bed.  I have my alone moments with him as we close out the day.  I get the last hugs and kisses from the toddler before he goes to bed (there is something magical about chubby arms around your neck), and I find myself looking forward to tomorrow night.

Wheat

I think I have confirmed that wheat is my problem. 

Let me backtrack a bit.  About 16 years ago, I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS).  Long story short, over the years I have tolerated pain and other digestive issues.  My main "irritants" have been stress and greasy or rich foods.  In the last 5 years, I haven't been paying close attention to any triggers.  I've just been eating and drinking what I want, figuring that it is my lot in life to have irregular digestion (and all that entails...ahem). 

For a few years now I have suspected that I am, at the very least, wheat intolerant.  However, I haven't been motivated enough to seek out the professional opinion of a naturopath to confirm this.  I have the phone number for one, I just haven't called.  Part of the beauty of this detox was that I was going to be taking out dairy and wheat...two things that cause problems in many people.  Now that I'm eating clean, I'm committed to staying gluten-free as much as possible, because I like the way I've been feeling.  Same goes for dairy.  I love goat cheese, and there are so many options, I don't feel cheese deprived.  (I love cheese)

However, all along I've said I'll have to be reasonable with the gluten-free thing.  Since I don't have a known allergy/intolerance, I would be as careful as possible, but if I'm at a restaurant or at a friend's house, I won't choose to not eat just because there may not be a gluten-free option.

I may be rethinking this attitude.

Yesterday, I FINALLY received my free Kashi cereal sample in the mail.  Yay!  I was excited about this, as I chose to receive the honey almond flax cereal.  It's full of good things...lots of good grains, flax, almonds etc.  At first, I kind of panicked...how would I eat cereal without having milk???  Fortunately, I remembered we have almond milk in the fridge.  Crisis averted.  So today, I decided to have the cereal...about a 1 cup serving size...for my breakfast.  After eating the cereal, it occured to me to read the label. At this time, I realized the cereal had wheat in it.  Duh.  By the time lunch rolled around, I was in quite a bit of pain, and this pain lasted most of the afternoon.  Come to think of it, I still have some residual pain going on. 

The wheat is the only thing I've had that's different.  So I'm self-diagnosing, and am even more committed to staying gluten-free now. 

What is up with my child?!?!

I can't figure the baby out. 

This child is quite possibly the most unpredictable child ever.  For quite awhile, his daytime naps were terrible with a capital T.  But since I've cut out sugar, he's been having more predictable, longer naps.  Which is fantastic.  I'm almost at the point where I can plan a day around when he will eat and sleep...it's been pretty steady for the last few weeks. 

But what is with the nights?!?!?  I don't get it.  I have lots of theories about what is going on.  I think the biggest issue is that he is always growing, so he needs to wake frequently to feed.  He's not getting enough during the day, and so he still needs me at night.  So why not feed more frequently during the day?  Well that's a great idea,. Trouble is, if he's not hungry, he won't eat.  Which is GREAT.  Definitely a skill I need to learn. 

It isn't the waking up I mind.  If he is hungry, obviously I want to feed him.  What I can't figure out is why is there never two nights the same??  About 2 weeks ago, he was going about 8-9 hours with one wake up, then waking again at 7am.  Awesome.  For the last 10 days or so, there have been multiple wake-ups each night.  Sometimes his first wake up is as early as 11pm, sometimes it's 2am.  I hate that when I go to bed, I never know when I'll be up.  It also makes going out in the evenings difficult, as I'm constantly worried that he's going to wake up while I'm gone. 

Which brings me to another interesting phenomenon.  He seems to have a special powers.  A "sixth sense" if you will.

Every time I go out in the evening, he wakes up.  And we're not talking just a random wake-up that can be solved with a soother reset.  No, it's full on, inconsolable crying.  It isn't just for a few minutes either.  It goes on for an hour, hour and a half.  I went out three nights this past week.  It happened all three times.  It doesn't seem to happen when I'm home. 

Scratch that.  Mid-post, the baby woke up...inconsolably crying.  He wouldn't feed either, so it's not like I have some magic touch that can stop it.  At least it only lasted 10 minutes.  He's back asleep now...for how long, no one knows. 

So WHAT is going ON?!?! 

If it was teeth, wouldn't he behave like this at other points during the day?  Is my diet giving him such bad gas that he's waking with stomach pains?  Is he growing again and in pain? 

Any insight appreciated.  I'm trying not to let the sleep deprivation get to me, or the guilt that is associated with me leaving the house.  I'm struggling with both right now. 

Excuses, excuses....

I HATE excuses.  I always find myself getting unreasonably angry whenever someone is giving me an excuse for something.  Not when it's legitimate.  I mean, if you're sick and cancelling plans with me, I'm okay with that.  Or if you have to change a date we've had set for months because a family member died...again, totally okay with that.

It's the useless excuses that I hate.  You know the kind...the kind that just scream "I can't be bothered so I'm telling this little lie/big lie to get me out of x".  That's the kind I hate.  I seem to have less and less patience for that the older I get. 

Maybe it all comes back to my absolute hatred of lying.  My father is a classic liar.  Problem is, he doesn't see it that way.  He's the kind of man that has lived so many lies for so long, they've all become truth to him.  I've had to get rid of "friends" who behaved that same way -- I just can't tolerate it when people can't live in the truth. 

I've spent the better part of the last 6 years trying to become my authentic self.  And yes, that "self" keeps growing and changing the older I get.  The more life I live, the more I grow.  But I want to keep becoming a better version of myself.  I'm going to fail, I'm going to fall down and I'm absolutely going to make mistakes.  However, I feel every mistake made is a lesson learned.

So here are my current excuses (that I'm trying very hard to overcome!):

1.  I'm too tired. 
2.  It's not my stuff, so why should I clean it up? 
3.  I'm too busy with taking care of two children to get to it. 
4.  I'm too tired. (I realize I've said that already, but it's a common one I use)
5.  I have to wait for my husband to help me. 

Up to this point, I've made these excuses to avoid dealing with the uncontrolled clutter in my house/basement/laundry room.  I've felt like I haven't been sacrificing myself, so it hasn't been that big of a deal.  But I realize now, I AM sacrificing myself.  I'm frustrated and stressed by the clutter and mess.  I am tired of going to other people's homes and feeling jealous of how organized they are.  I'm organized in my head, and I long for a tidy environment (of course, as I say that, I'm sitting here blogging while looking at the mountain of toys strewn about my living room...sigh).

So honey, you're on notice -- I'm on a mission to get our basement cleaned out so we can actually use that space.  I guarantee you'll appreciate the better version of me you get when our house is tidy.  :)

February blahs

It's true...there really is such a thing as February blahs.  And I have them IN SPADES.

The last few days have been ...challenging.  Everything seems to be setting me off.  My patience level is at an all-time low, and I think the kids can sense it.  Scratch that...I KNOW the kids can sense it.  I'm irritated with everyone and everything. 

I'm irritated that the baby's sleep patterns are so crazy.  There is no rhyme or reason for it, and no predictability.  I'm exhausted from a few nights in a row of multiple wake-ups...and large amount of wakeful periods during the night.  The upside is that his daytime naps have gotten REALLY good, and today he actually put himself to sleep.  So what gives at night?

The toddler has been a HUGE challenge lately.  I'm sure today part of the problem was that I was so NOT calm.  I was the opposite of calm.  He was also tired and hungry and not very good at expressing that (unless you count constantly crying as "expression".  If so, then he was really good at it).  I'm irritated that he was not very good all day, and then when daddy gets home he's an absolute angel. 

I need a break.

I'm very lucky.  My husband is amazing at helping out with the kids, especially when I'm maxed at the end of the day.  I try and get out once a week with friends, or to do some shopping by myself on the weekends.  I'm never questioned on why I need to "get out". 

The trouble is, my "getting out" is always around the kids' schedule.  I can't ever leave until the baby is fed and in bed.  My daytime trips are limited to between feeds.  My "shopping" trips are to the grocery store, the drug store, or the market.  For essentials.  I'm desperate for a pedicure and a hair cut.  I'm desperate for a day away, all day, all night.  But it's going to be awhile before that can happen. 

I'm hoping a good night's sleep gives me back my perspective.  And my calm.