Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Looking for the light

Have you ever been so low you didn't know where to turn?  Thought about ending it all?  Wanted to walk away from your life and start over where no one knew you?

I'm sure everyone has had a low point in their life.  One of my lowest points came at what I knew was the end of my first marriage.  Things were so bad, no one really knew the extent of how bad, and I had virtually no support (other than my mom...once again, thank GOD for her).  I remember sitting on the bathroom floor for 3 hours, holding a bottle of pills, trying to find a way to end my pain.  I finally got up off the floor, called my doctor, got on some anti-depressants, and then called my counsellor.  A year of hard work and self-reflection ensued, but I emerged a healthier, better version of myself. 

I'm grateful for the low points.  This is only one of many.  The pain of the lows is terrible.  It can rip you open and make you change in ways you didn't realize you needed to, or maybe even wanted to.  But when you make it through to the other side, you can appreciate the highs of life so much more.  Life seems sweeter somehow.  Maybe it's because you have a deeper appreciation for everything that you have.  It's that appreciation that prevents you from ever taking anything for granted. 

Because I've had so many lows throughout my life, I have a hard time relating to people who've always had it "good".  I also have a hard time relating to people who don't let their lows affect them and try to pretend that everything is fine.  Why should I pretend things are fine when I'm in the middle of heartbreak?  I don't understand the need for a "show".  But maybe that's just me. 

Last week, we lost my uncle.  Totally unexpectedly, and far too soon.  He was at our house on Sunday celebrating my son's birthday.  Monday he was found dead.  He was 52. 

My family is very small.  It's me, my mom, my brother, my grandma, my aunt, uncle and their 3 kids.  I have a great aunt who was also part of the frey, but dementia is slowly taking her.  We've already lost my sister, and in such a small group, that void was more than noticeable.  Losing my uncle leaves another huge hole.  My heart aches for my family.  For my mother, who lost her only sibling.  For my grandma who lost a child.  For my cousins who shouldn't have had to lose a parent so young.  For my brother who was very close to this uncle.  And for me, because I feel like I can't quite handle this sadness.   

My uncle lived his life to the fullest.  A gregarious personality, he did things big.  My insightful cousin mused that perhaps he had burned up life -- had to go out big like he had lived.  I think that's probably very true.  After his death, we found out he had been diagnosed as bipolar and had been on medication for the past few years.  I wish we had known.  The outcome may not have changed, nor our interactions with him, but it makes me sad that we had no idea the burden he was carrying.  I will probably wonder for the rest of my life what pushed him over the edge that day, but I am not angry.  It's almost too sad to be angry about.  I'm sad that he was so alone, so lonely, and so desperate.  And I will miss him terribly. 

The process from death to burial was so fast, I feel like we only just went through the motions.  I hope my family is taking time to grieve, and knows that the time they need may be a lifetime.  I've learned the hard way that time does not heal such hurts, it just gives you a different way of coping with your loss. 

On a happier note, my first born turned three last week.  I can hardly believe that this little man is the same child I brought home from the hospital just yesterday.  I love him so much my heart hurts with it.  He is funny, and sweet, and loving and attentive.  I am so proud of the person he's becoming, and yet I want him to stop growing up.  Right now. 

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Lifestyle changes: Choice vs. Need

I started this blog because I decided to make some lifestyle changes.  Mostly, those changes revolved around food and my relationship with food.  I look back at the last 6 months and can't believe how far I've come, and yet I know I still have a way to go. 

For the most part, I continue to eat gluten-free.  The baking/cooking I do for my family is gluten and sugar-free, and we follow the "clean eating" guidelines.  Both my husband and I have lost weight (although I've plateaued), and I feel so much better.  When I slip and have wheat, it causes me a lot of pain.  Sometimes it's just worth it and I live with it (because sometimes I just NEED Marble Slab).  Sometimes, I'm somewhere and gluten-free isn't an option and I live with it (because a girl's gotta eat).  At the end of the day, whatever I put in my body is my choice and I choose to live with the consequences. 

But I found out yesterday that I no longer have a choice about this. 

Over the last 6 months, my family has been (for the most part) eating like me.  But, there are times where I'm not as strict with them.  The kids eat pizza (wheat), the toddler is ADDICTED to Cheerios (wheat) and the main staple in his diet is oatmeal (organic, yes but gluten-free, no).  Sometimes, when we're out, it's just easiest to give the kids goldfish crackers (wheat) or something else along those lines.  And while I limit dairy myself, the toddler drinks milk, eats cheese and loves yogurt. 

Several months ago, the toddler started having some strange bowel movements.  To be honest, his stool has never been what I expected (meaning, it's always been very, very soft).  He's had several bouts of constipation thrown in there, and I've chalked it up to the fact that he's so darn picky and refuses to eat vegetables.  But a few months ago, it became more than just "soft" -- it had turned to liquid.  I was concerned, but explained it away as being a gastro-bug or something along those lines.  But it never resolved itself.  Then his energy level seemed to drop overnight.  Back in April, he had several days where he seemed very lethargic, was more emotional than normal (a sure sign of fatigue with him) and had several unexplained bruises.  I've had anemia, and thought I recognized the signs.  I tried an iron supplement, which helped, but didn't completely resolve things, and it certainly didn't fix his bowel issues.  I took him off of cow's milk and switched to goat's milk and that had no real effect either.  A trip to my doctor resulted in no new answers.  While my doctor was concerned, his answer was to do a stool sample to test for either a parasite or a bacterial infection.  The results of those tests were negative, and we were no further ahead. 

Since I tend to want more natural remedies anyway, a trip to a naturopath was our next obvious step.  Our first visit was a month ago and she wanted me to take him completely off dairy.  A challenging prospect, but he adapted rather well.  He didn't really like the milk alternatives, so he just stopped drinking as much milk and tolerated a bit in his cereal in the morning.  It actually meant I was able to break the addiction to Cheerios (even though I had switched to a gluten-free "O" cereal, I still didn't want him ONLY consuming cereal every morning) and he started eating more oatmeal again.  I thought this was a good thing, as at least it has iron in it, and I can "hide" stuff, like almond butter, in it for added protein.  Also at this first appointment I decided to go ahead with allergy testing.  A simple finger prick and a slight bit of blood would tell us if there was something more going on in his little body. 

We got the results yesterday.

I had been anticipating what they might be.  I was hopeful that all we'd be dealing with was a wheat intolerance.  Considering my own issues, and the fact that wheat intolerances/allergies are genetic, it was a likely prospect.  I was also hopeful that we would not have to deal with a lactose intolerance. 

Turns out my little man is allergic to quite a bit, and dairy and wheat are only the beginning of the story.  He's also allergic to coconut (which was upsetting as I use coconut oil in EVERYTHING), almonds (there goes our favourite nut butter) and oatmeal.  This is when it got stressful.  Oatmeal is our go-to food -- his comfort food.  How do you tell a 3 year old that he can't have his favourite food anymore?  He's also mildly allergic to sugar.  I found this a little amusing considering my view on refined sugar and how anal I am about not giving sugar to the kids.  Even organic cane sugar is a no (which is all I use anymore).  He's allergic to whey protein (which is in a lot of things).  There were also a few other things on the list, but nothing that would be an issue like the afore mentioned (he's also allergic to oysters and coffee -- ew!).  The one ray of hope was that although he's mildly allergic to casein, he's has a very low intolerance to goat's milk.  So while goat's milk HAS casein, and he should probably avoid it for now, if he HAS to have milk, then we have an option.  The worst part is that there is a chance that these allergies and his repeated exposure to them have been contributing to his slow growth. 

So here we sit, no longer having a choice about our lifestyle.  My child cannot, under any circumstances, have things on the allergy list.  He can't be 90% gluten-free.  He can't have dairy "once in awhile".  And while a little bit of sugar may not hurt once in awhile, it's probably best if I stick to sugar-alternatives (like agave and honey).  This is going to make things rather difficult for awhile.  It means rigid label-reading at the grocery store.  It means monitoring what he eats when we're out.  It means no restaurants for awhile (until I can convince him that vegetables really won't kill him). 

I am so glad that I choose to make changes to our lifestyle 6 months ago.  While I need to be even more strict about things now, at least I'm not starting from scratch.  I think things would be a lot more stressful and a lot more overwhelming if I had to make all these changes all at once. 

Of course, I'm not sure how we got here.  These allergies may not be ones he was born with, considering up until now, he's never had a reaction to food.  It could be a combination of things.  The most likely culprit is repeated exposure to antibiotics while in daycare which stripped his gut of all the good bacteria and opened him up to food sensitivities.  So there is a chance he'll grow out of it.  Fortunately we can retest in 6 months to a year. 

For now, I need to sharpen my label-reading skills and educate our family on what they can feed my child when I'm not around.  sigh.