4 A.M.

I have a love/hate relationship with 4 a.m. 

The baby is still waking up in the night to feed.  Which I keep telling myself is normal.  Really, he's a pretty good sleeper.  Unfortunately for him, his brother was (and still is) an exceptional sleeper, so it's hard not to compare.  When the toddler was this age, he was sleeping through the night.  I'm not sure why the baby won't do it...he's done lots of long stretches.  I just can't seem to get him over the 4 a.m. hump. 

There is a part of me that's okay with that.  I remember being sad when the toddler started sleeping through.  Don't get me wrong, I love the sleep.  It's just at that time of the morning, the house is very, very still and quiet.  It's just you and the baby and your thoughts (however good or bad THAT may be).  At that time of the morning, the baby is VERY focused.  He's not wiggly, or distracted.  He just eats and goes right back to sleep.  While he's eating, I love listening to the silence of my house.  I can hear deep sleep breathing from both the toddler and my husband, and it's oddly calming.  I love being the one that can fix the middle-of-the-night distress for my baby.  I love that for a little while, there is focus on just him, and I think that is when our bond is the strongest.  Yes, there is part of me that relishes that little bit of alone time in the very, very quiet.  For that, I love 4 a.m.

I hate 4 a.m.  I'm desperate for a full night's sleep.  When 4 a.m comes, I realize I'm STARVING.  This has always been the case, but it seems worse now.  Of course, even if I could eat something, I'm too tired and lazy to walk downstairs to get it.  I drink some water, and get back into the warm bed and silently curse those that are still sleeping and haven't even realized I was awake.  I try desperately not to resent the fact that I am the only one who has to be up. 

When day breaks and we wake for the day, perspective has changed again.  The house is awake with noise, and my focus shifts to being on everyone, and everything, else.  I no longer give anyone, or anything, my undivided attention.  As I go about my daily tasks....laundry, potty training, food prep....I long for the middle of the night silence and look forward to tonight when I have those few precious minutes to focus on me.