The good ol' days....

Saturday night I visited highschool.  Of course I mean figuratively, not literally. 

I hated highschool.  There are a lot of people out there that would gladly go back and live their "glory days" over again.  Not me.  Too much pressure, too much judgement.  Of course, in the wisdom of my old age, I realize that a lot of the issues in highschool were because all of us were in the same boat -- unsure of who we were, and more than just a little bit insecure.  We all just handled it differently. 

It wasn't like I had no friends.  I was more the kind of person that had several friends, across several groups of people.  But I did have a core group I spent quite a bit of time with.  Interestingly enough, this group was mostly guys. 

Most of us went to the same university, and so instead of branching out and making university friends, we all tended to stick together.  However, we were kind of like a rolling ball of lint -- collecting people as we went.  Our "group" grew as people started into relationships etc. 

My twenties were horrendous.  Probably worse than highschool.  I was pretty messed up after our father abandoned us, and predictably had a string of bad relationships.  And then, I married one of those bad relationships.  I was in such a fog, I had a hard time figuring things out, and felt like I was constantly fighting for the real "me" to get out.  But that's the thing of being surrounded by highschool friends -- they know you a certain way.  To be fair, they were all trying to figure themselves out too.  But instead of providing a supportive environment for each other to grow, learn and change, we ended up creating a very toxic environment for each other. 

I always felt like I was the outsider -- like I was right on the cusp of being in the "cool group", but couldn't quite get in.  I spent a lot of time feeling hurt.  It was like I had access, but not the password to get all the way in (if that makes sense).  I continued to spend more time with the guys because I just couldn't figure out how to be "in" with the girls.  And yet I so desperately wanted the validation the girls could provide.  If you even took one psychology course in university, it's pretty easy to figure out why I was the way I was back then.  But when you're 25 no one is using their emotional intelligence.  They just want you to be something you're not, and the more you try, the more you disappoint them and the more you end up hating yourself.  Really, is it any wonder why I would never go back? 

A few years ago, I became public enemy number one to this group of people.  I made some pretty bad choices and handled a few key situations very poorly.  I know now that I have a lot to apologize for.  However, no situation is ever a one way street and I know I'm owed some apologies too.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not sorry for how things have turned out.  When push comes to shove, you always find out who your true friends are, and these people revealed themselves to be less than "true" friends.  And frankly, I'm a much better version of myself now -- all because I spent some much-needed time healing my soul. 

So Saturday night I made the choice to go to a stag and doe for one of my old guy friends who is getting married in April.  I made the choice, knowing that all my old friends would be there, including my ex-husband.  I think part of me hoped that by now, all our old past hurts would be water under the bridge.  I don't expect to be friends with them again, nor do I really want to be, but you can't spend 15 years with people and not miss them a little bit.  The main reason I went, though, was to support a friend I cared a great deal for as he begins his new marriage.  I'm glad I went.  As I expected, the guys were all wonderful -- happy to see me and welcomed me with open arms (literally).  The girls, of course, ignored me.  Only one said hello -- I might as well have been dead to the rest of them.  I'm so grateful that I had gone with one of my really good friends.  I put her in the awkward position of having to choose between me and the rest of the group (she is the only one who has mastered being friends with everyone to the detriment of no one!), but I'm glad she was standing by me.  I may be closing in on thirty five, but for the 2 hours I was there, it was like I was 17 again.  Not part of the "cool group", not really offending anyone with my presence, yet made to feel like I had no right to be there. 

I know that this isn't normal behaviour.  Nothing with this group of people is normal.  I don't understand how they can so patently ignore that time is marching on, with or without them.  We're all getting older, we all have children.  Is this really the behaviour you want to model for your kids?  It certainly isn't how I want to raise my kids.  I know my children are going to make mistakes.  In fact, I hope they do.  Making mistakes is how you learn.  I've done the best learning, the best growing, from these so called "mistakes".  I've also made some of the deepest, most rewarding relationships out of taking a different path.  Sure, my heart hurts to think that some day my children may not be the "cool" kids, and they may learn how it feels to stand out the outside.  But then there is a part of me that wants to encourage that.  I want to teach them that true validation comes from the inside, not from other people.  And if they find themselves on the "inside", I hope that I've taught them well enough to include everyone, no matter what.  I'm not saying they have to be friends with everyone.  We all know that's impossible.  But you can include people, be nice to people, say hello to people...some days, that hello might be the only thing that gets someone through the day. 

So, hello.