Personality traits

My son is a scaredy cat.

I'm sure I've talked about this before, but the inherent personality differences between my two boys continues to amaze me.  Of course, everytime I think of this subject, I start pondering the whole nature vs. nurture thing.  I mean, same parents, same mama's milk.  It's fascinating. 

The toddler is a very sensitive, affectionate, empathetic little boy.  He is also very social, very talkative, and very engaging.  He loves being around people, yet can play independently as well.  He's extremely polite and contientious for someone his age.  He is very slow and doesn't like to be rushed.  He is very funny.  His mannerisms, experessions and the words out of his mouth constantly have us in stitches.  I am also discovering that he is very timid.  Not in a shy way (he certaintly isn't shy), but more in a "I don't want to try new things" kind of way.  He's not very adventurous. 

He's always been very little.  He is much smaller than his peers, and it took a long time before he was mobile.  He learned how to use his words at a very young age because that was all he had.  Even now, he is more apt to say "no" to something than to run away.  Unlike other kids his age, he doesn't run very fast, he doesn't climb, and he most certainly doesn't jump.  Well he THINKS he jumps, but it isn't really jumping as you or I would do.  All of this has made for easy parenting for me.  I never have to worry about "what he'll get into next".  I can leave him unsupervised while I go put the baby to bed or go to the bathroom because I know he'll still be where I left him. 

When I say he doesn't like to try new things, that isn't completely true.  He does have completely age appropriate behaviours.  The trouble is, he's so little, he can't quite do what his friends can do.  For example, he used to crawl up and down the stairs.  Now he always wants to walk up and down the stairs, while holding the railing.  He has very little legs, and can't walk up the stairs without always holding onto someone's hand as well.  He also can't reach the top of the railing, so he holds the spindles instead. 

I've been noticing lately that the older he gets, the more timid he seems to be getting.  Maybe timid is the wrong word.  Maybe "cautious" is a better term.  He will play independently, but only if I'm in the same room.  If I leave the room to go to the bathroom, or to put clothes in the laundry, he follows to find out where I've gone the second he notices I've left.  If he wants to go to another room to play with the toys that are there, he will only go if I accompany him.  He hates being lifted upside down and spun around.  His type of "rough housing" is done on the floor when he can control what is going on.  He hates it when you purposely try to "scare" him.  All of this is no big deal.  But what is more concerning is that he seems to have developed a giant fear of dogs. 

It's not like we're never around dogs, but they aren't part of our day-to-day routine.  His cousins have a very small dog and while it usually takes him a bit to get used to the jumpy, yappy nature of this dog, by the end of the visit he loves the dog and talks about her for days afterwards.  Last night we were at our friend's house, and they have a chocolate lab.  A beautiful, good natured dog who is about 5 times the size of my son.  As soon as the dog came within 10 feet of the toddler, he freaked out.  It got even worse when the dog got close to him.  I've never seen such terror in his face before, and all I wanted to do was protect him, yet at the same time I kept saying "don't worry, the puppy won't hurt you".  What do you do in that situation?  How do you encourage your child to be in a situation he clearly doesn't want to be in, yet you know he needs to learn how to cope with?  I don't want my child to be fearful of anything.  I want him to know that even if he's uncomfortable in a situation, he can cope.  I'm not getting a dog to help teach him this lesson though, so don't even suggest it.  (ha ha) 

The baby appears to be so different already.  He's so active, already trying to reach for things out of his grasp and learning how to move to get what he wants.  Everything makes him laugh, even when you purposely try to startle him.  He's too young for me to say he has "no fear" just yet, but the fact that he is already more mobile than the toddler ever was leads me to believe we may be in a bit of trouble with him.  We may actually have to baby proof the house this time. 

Sure, some of these personality traits are genetic.  I love to be around people and am very social.  But I hate being scared (I hate amusement park rides for just this reason).  But neither my husband or myself are overly fearful people.  We like trying new things (food, places, travelling), and we will put ourselves in uncomfortable situations to try and push ourselves to be better (see my post from last week as a recent example!)

Okay, so where does this come from?  How did my two boys, that both came out of me and both get the same food as sustenance, end up so different? 

My pregnancies were relatively similar, although I had a bit more hormonal rage the second time around.  But my birth experiences were completely opposite and I think some of their personality traits can be traced back to this.  The toddler's birth was totally one of fear.  I had no idea what to expect, I was scared of the unknown, and I relied on drugs to help me cope.  Drugs that didn't work.  I ended up being full of toxic drugs, and so did my son.  I was forced to try and push him out, before he was ready, for more than 3 hours.  When he finally came out, he was taken from me right away due to the presence of meconium in the amniotic fluid.  I spent most of the first 24 hours of his life away from him because he was in the NICU.  In fact, the first 5 days of his life he was in and out of the NICU, and then in and out of the isolette with the bright lights because of his jaundice.  It tooks us 5 days before we were able to get home to find our groove.  Fortunately, our breastfeeding relationship was always a good one -- a very successful one -- and I think that's what helped get us through our rough start.  Looking back, I'm glad I was so persistent and so sure that breastfeeding was the only choice for us.  I shudder to think of what other damage I may have done if I hadn't had that connection with him. 

The baby's birth was completely opposite in every sense.  I was educated about the process.  I knew what was happening to my body, and felt it important to bring my baby into the world in a calm way.  Drug free was the only option.  I gave birth to him at home, in the comfort of my own space, my own clothes, and surrounded my people who cared for me and supported me.  Even though he chose to enter the world in the most unorthodox of manners (which also leads me to believe we'll have trouble with him in the future! ha ha), he came when HE wanted to.  And although I didn't get to have him with me right after birth (due to his unorthodox presentation at birth), it wasn't long before he was in my arms and I was able to give him his first feed.  We spent the next few days together, and because we were at home, we weren't interrupted by strangers (a.k.a nurses) and found our own groove immediately. 

I really believe that the birth experience plays a part in shaping the child.  Maybe my oldest would be a timid, sensitive, cautious child anyway.  I guess I'll never know that.  But knowing what we do know, it's up to us to parent our child according to his personality.  Of course, I don't want to use his cautious nature as an excuse.  I want to push him, to expand his horizons and to work past his fears.  But at the same time, I want to love him through his fear, never letting him feel like he has to "get over it".  I want him to know that being with us is his safe place, and that we'll always be here to love him and support him.  But I want him to know that because he has that safe place, that he is free to go out and try things.  To experience life to its fullest no matter what. 

So my first challenge in this giant goal is to get him comfortable around dogs.  I guess I need to start making play dates with people who have dogs!  Any takers?