Lean on me

As women, I think that we're generally pretty supportive of each other.  I know in my life, I've purposely surrounded myself with like-minded people who will celebrate with me in the good times, cry with me in the bad, and root for me when I need a little "helping hand".  In any group of friends, there are always the "go to" people.  You know the kind -- the one person that will always say the right thing, make you feel like you are the smartest person in the world, or will hug you hard when you're struggling and not make you feel stupid for crying...again. 

When I'm in a new group of people, I like to observe the dynamic.  It is interesting to see different people interact, and I often wonder what draws them together as friends.  I'm a people-watcher at heart, and there is nothing quite like people-watching in small social setting.

Today I was at a baby shower for a friend.  This is someone I know from work, so I don't know any of her other friends.  There were a couple new moms there, a few women without children, and a couple pregnant women.  There is nothing quite like a shower to bring out the competitiveness between women.  Which I never really realized before, but since this was the first time in a long time I didn't really know anyone else at the party, it gave me a lot of time to sit back and listen. 

It struck me that when people should be the happiest for you, someone (often more than one person) ends up silently sabotaging.  Like when you're losing weight, for example.  Have you ever been in that position where you're doing really well with weight loss, and you've been very dedicated to a program, and you spend time with the one person who says "oh just have one, what will it hurt?"   Or when you get a promotion at work -- finally, someone has recognized your hard work, your dedication, and someone comes along and says "Oh wow, good for you.  But won't this be a lot more work for you now?".  Sounds supportive, right?  It's all in the tone and delivery.  Sure, logically you can tell yourself that person is just jealous of you.  And they probably are.  But wouldn't a better response be "That's wonderful, can I take you out for a drink to celebrate?"  Or "you're doing so well, let's meet for a walk instead of dinner so you aren't tempted to stray from your weight loss plan". 

So what is it about having a baby that gives women the license to sabotage their friend's happiness?  My friend ...let's call her Jane....is extremely educated about birth.  She has spent the better part of her pregnancy reading and learning about labour and birth plans.  I wish I had been as educated about the process as she is.  She has hired labour support, and is 100% committed to having a drug-free birth.  It's the one thing that she is firm on in her birth plan -- no epidural at all costs.   During the shower, her pregnant (and overdue) friend ...let's call her Stacy...was sitting beside her.  Stacy is 5 days overdue, and going in for induction tonight.  She was joking about how she couldn't get the epidural fast enough.  Of course, it made me sad that a) she was going to be induced so early and b) just clearly wasn't educated enough to understand what she was in for in the next 24-36 hours.  But I think what bothered me more was that Stacy is Jane's friend...a very good friend...and yet she didn't realize how much Jane knew already.  Her first comment was "I'll call you Monday and tell you all about it".  Okay, sounds supportive...right?  But when you heard the tone, I just knew the sentence to follow was "I'll tell you how terrible and hard it was so that you're prepared". 

Just to digress a bit...why is it that when you announce you are pregnant, every woman you've ever met (and some you haven't) will share with you their "my labour and delivery was SO awful" tales? 

Back to my point:  when these women were discussing labour and delivery, and my friend Jane was very open about the fact she is planning a natural child birth, Stacy pipes up and says "You can change your mind you know.  You can always get an epidural half way through if you want". 

Of course, this statement (at face value) is true.  The beautiful thing about being citizens of this country is that we have choice.  However, if you know Jane and you know her mindset, telling her "it's okay, you can cop out" is like offering chocolate cake to a starving person on a diet.  Even if you don't agree, why can't you just say "that's amazing, I can't wait to hear your birth story"???

I know that even when we don't realize we're competing, somehow we end up being competitive.  It happens, sometimes very innocently (the May issue of Today's Parent has a great article about competitiveness among moms).  Other times, the intent isn't so innocent.  I'm going to choose to believe that Stacy's comments today were meant to be supportive.  It just hurt me a little to know that it wasn't the kind of support my friend Jane needs right now. 

This serves as a good reminder for me too.  I know I can be rather opinionated at times, especially when it's something I'm passionate about.  So, for now, I love you and support you, no matter what choice you're making.  I'll hold your head back when you puke, I'll hug you hard when you're crying, and I'll buy you the first drink when you have news we need to celebrate.