Out of the mouth of babes

We're all aware that children teach you things about yourself.  Things like patience and unconditional love.  But every once in awhile they throw a curve ball, and all of a sudden you're learning a new lesson you weren't really expecting.

My brother and I have had a challenging relationship for the last 15 years -- or more.  He struggled quite a bit in his teenage years after my father left.  He's never really found his way in life, and although he is getting much better, he still isn't healed emotionally from all the trauma we experienced.  His way of "acting out" is basically to ignore his family and disappear for weeks on end.  It's better now than it used to be -- we at least now know where he is (he has a steady job and has been in the same apartment for 5 years).  Eventually we know he'll make an appearance or return a phone call.  At the risk of protecting his pride, I won't go into vicious detail about all the terrible things he's done in his lifetime.  We can just leave it at the fact that he has hurt me.  A lot.  And often.  What hurts the most now, however, is the disappearing.  It bothers me to no end that his family seems to matter so little.  He would never dream of cancelling plans on his friends or his girlfriend, but he thinks nothing of telling us he'll be somewhere and then just won't show up.  I don't understand the need to lie.  And then of course, true to his pattern, when he doesn't show up or lets us down in some way, he feels guilty and "disappears" for a time.  And the cycle continues to repeat itself.

I am at the end of my rope with him.  I wouldn't let anyone else treat me this way, so why do I continue to let it happen with my brother?  Two months ago, I told our mother I was done with him.  I didn't want him included in my birthday celebration because I didn't want to give him the opportunity to say he would be there and then not show up and ruin my birthday.  Of course, mom invited him anyway and as usual he didn't show up.  It's one thing to treat us this way.  But my kids are almost old enough to realize they have an uncle they never see.  It bothers me to no end that a) he seems to have no desire to have any relationship with his only nephews and b) that he is the only uncle (on my side) that they have and they don't have a relationship with him.  As a mother, my first instinct is to protect my children from hurt.  I don't want them to ever be hurt by my brother's lacklustre attitude toward family.  I'd rather have no relationship at all with him if it ensures that he doesn't keep up this behaviour with the kids. 

And then the toddler shows me what it means to really love someone, no matter what. 

At night, we've started saying prayers with the toddler.  He will say "thank Jesus for..." and then proceeds to list off who he wants to thank Jesus for.  His uncle makes the list EVERY time.  Sometimes I have to prompt him to remember me (!!!) or his brother, but never his uncle.  He talks about seeing his uncle.  He wants to call him on the phone.  Considering he hasn't seem him all that often, he just seems to intuitively know that his uncle needs to be loved just a little bit more than anyone else. 

My mother has infinite amounts of patience for her son.  Even when he's repeatedly treating her badly, she that just knows one day he'll come around and her job is to love him and be there for him when he does.  I look at my own sons and although I pray we're never in the same position with them, I also hope that if we are, I will have the patience and fortitude to love them extra hard through their struggles. 

For now, I will follow the toddler's lead and just love my brother and work hard to accept him for who he is.  When he does come around, I'll make the most of our visits, and let him forge his own special relationship with my boys.  Maybe that's all he really needs anyway -- a little acceptance.  Isn't that what we're all searching for in life?  To be loved and accepted for who we are?

I am glad my almost-three-year-old has such high emotional intelligence, and I'm even more grateful for the fact that I'm paying attention.