MIA

I've been MIA for awhile.

The last month has been a bit challenging, and while I do have a lot to say (as usual), I haven't been putting the effort forth to put "pen to paper"...so to speak. 

On June 4th, we celebrated the 5th anniversary of my sister's death.  The pain of our loss is still so present.  It's not as raw as it once was -- time has a funny way of healing things.  But I miss her...desperately...every day.  I can't believe it's been 5 years.  I look at my life, and where I was 5 years ago and it doesn't seem like that long.  And yet, it's been a whole lifetime.  A marriage, two children....so much she doesn't know about.  Well...I think she knows.  I think she's my angel, watching over my life and my children.  They would love her, and it pains me that they'll never really know her.

We've also been struggling with the baby.  Still.  Again.  He has such a beautiful personality -- quick to laugh, easy-going, constantly going and exploring.  And then night hits and he's a whole new child.  He's struggling with teething, but it seems to be an ongoing issue, even when no teeth seem to be imminently popping through.  His sleep is terrible.  Most nights, he's worse than a newborn.  Sometimes he'll let daddy soothe him, and other times he just screams until he's in my arms.  It's frustrating for both of us as neither of us know what to do, we don't know how to fix it, and it's never the same so we can't plan anything.  I don't care that he's not sleeping through the night.  Sure, I'd love it if he would, don't get me wrong.  But at this point, I just would love some consistency.  I'm sleep deprived and frustrated, which is a challenging place to be when you're the mother of two little people. 

There are days where I feel like running away.  I wonder if this is normal.  I love being with my children, and couldn't imagine my life any other way.  I'd miss them horribly if I couldn't see them.  And yet, there are times when my husband comes home from work and the first thing I want to do is reach for my car keys and just keep driving.  My husband leaves for a 5 day business trip tomorrow morning.  I'm jealous.  I'm jealous of the sleep he'll get.  I'm jealous of the good dinners he'll eat.  I'm jealous that he'll have 5 days of no parental responsibilities.  To top it off, he'll be in a fantastic city!  When I asked him if he was looking forward to this trip, he said not really (!!!).  He was looking forward to being in this particular city, but he was not looking forward to being away from me and the kids for 5 days.  Of course, I feel instantly guilty because I'm thinking "I would be jumping at the chance to leave!!".  Would I really?  No, probably not.  Sure, I'd love some "me" time and some sleep, but I would miss the kids if I was gone that long.  And I know my husband feels like he misses so much family time with working out of town and not getting as many hours in the day with us.  Weekends are jam packed, and it is still not enough.  I know that feeling.  When I was a working parent, it felt like every minute with the family was precious. 

I'm lucky that I have a supportive husband who allows me balance.  If I need a break, I get it.  He pitches in, he parents beautifully (even in the night!), and he supports me in pursuit of extra-curricular activities.  Really, I have it good.  I don't want to give the impression that I'm not grateful for this, because I am.  But when you're as sleep deprived as I am right now, it's hard to see past the fact that you're not getting sleep.  All you want is sleep.  In a nice hotel room with black out curtains. 

In the words of my incredibly wise toddler -- "one day".