Paralyzed by AP

I am more Sears than Ferber.

If you're a parent, you'll know those names.  Depending on what kind of a parent you are, you may be intimately familar with the teachings of one, or both, of these esteemed doctors. 

When I had my first child, I didn't know there were "titles" for different styles of parenting.  I just did what felt right to me, and what my own research had determined was best for my child.  Of course, we were blessed with the easiest baby on earth, and never had to seek help for any issues.  A good routine was easy to put in place because we had no one else to worry about except our small man and his every need. 

As my parenting evolved to encompass another small man, I realized that the things that felt right to me fell under Dr. Sears' Attachment Parenting.  Wikipedia describes Attachment Parenting like this.  While I obviously don't hold hard and fast to any "rules", most of my parenting decisions fall under this theory. 

Time and time again I have been encouraged to let my wee boy "cry it out".  I couldn't do it.  First of all, the child doesn't cry -- he screams.  Secondly, the thought of leaving him, alone, in a dark room to just cry and cry -- seriously?  Does this really sound like a good idea?  But of course, everyone who has successfully had their child "cry it out" has a child who sleeps.  The proof is in the pudding I guess.  Of course, I am also skeptical of short term gain versus what the long term affect will be. 

But things are bad.  The situation was starting to impact my mental and physical health (it CANNOT be safe to drive a vehicle on as little sleep as I'm getting), and it was affecting my marriage.  My husband and I were spending most of our evenings trying to either get our baby to sleep or get him to stay asleep.   Often, getting him to stay asleep meant he was sleeping with one of us.  And that meant we weren't sleeping with each other.  I missed my husband.  I'm sure he missed me.  I'm unpleasant when I'm tired (that's putting it mildly), and I'm tired all the time these days.  I realized the other day that it had been well over a year since I slept 8 hours straight.  Because even before the babe was born, I was up several times a night to pee!  It never occured to me back then (at 7 months pregnant) that I would still be sleep deprived one year later. 

Last weekend, while my husband was away, I hit the end of my rope.  I thought I had a lot of rope left -- apparently that wasn't the case.  On the second night he was gone, the baby was up constantly -- every hour in fact.  Nothing would settle him.  By the time my mom came over after work, I was beside myself.  When I tried to put the baby down to sleep, and yet again he was crying, I was at a total loss has to how to handle the situation.  Thank goodness my mother was there (an AP parent ahead of her time!) to help me through.  She reassured me he was fine -- he wasn't hungry, he wasn't in pain, he was dry.  She encouraged me to leave the house and to let him cry.  I walked to the mailbox half a block away, crying the whole way.  Thank goodness my neighbours weren't outside!  It was a much better night, despite it taking lots of tears -- from both of us -- to get to sleep.  Each night got better, and by the time my husband got home, he was sleeping 4 hour stretches.  By the next night, he went down with no crying at all. 

I've shed many tears this week over this.  Every time I heard him screaming, I just wanted to give him comfort.  But I can't argue with the fact that he's sleeping.  He's going to sleep without issue, he's sleeping decent stretches, and he's out of our bed.  I feel selfish for being relieved I have a bit of my life back, but the evenings are so precious -- time with my husband, time for myself.  This also means we can resume regular dates because the baby won't be causing trouble for our babysitter! (a.k.a. my mother)

I've been thinking about this all week, and wondering if I paralyzed myself from doing this sooner because I'm too responsive.  Maybe -- but I'm okay with this.  I'm not proud that I resorted to something that goes against my fundamental beliefs, but maybe that's okay too.  In order for me to understand something, it's easier if I can say "I've done that".  And maybe I needed to learn where the end of my rope was.  Otherwise, I might have kept going until I hung myself.