Looking for the light

Have you ever been so low you didn't know where to turn?  Thought about ending it all?  Wanted to walk away from your life and start over where no one knew you?

I'm sure everyone has had a low point in their life.  One of my lowest points came at what I knew was the end of my first marriage.  Things were so bad, no one really knew the extent of how bad, and I had virtually no support (other than my mom...once again, thank GOD for her).  I remember sitting on the bathroom floor for 3 hours, holding a bottle of pills, trying to find a way to end my pain.  I finally got up off the floor, called my doctor, got on some anti-depressants, and then called my counsellor.  A year of hard work and self-reflection ensued, but I emerged a healthier, better version of myself. 

I'm grateful for the low points.  This is only one of many.  The pain of the lows is terrible.  It can rip you open and make you change in ways you didn't realize you needed to, or maybe even wanted to.  But when you make it through to the other side, you can appreciate the highs of life so much more.  Life seems sweeter somehow.  Maybe it's because you have a deeper appreciation for everything that you have.  It's that appreciation that prevents you from ever taking anything for granted. 

Because I've had so many lows throughout my life, I have a hard time relating to people who've always had it "good".  I also have a hard time relating to people who don't let their lows affect them and try to pretend that everything is fine.  Why should I pretend things are fine when I'm in the middle of heartbreak?  I don't understand the need for a "show".  But maybe that's just me. 

Last week, we lost my uncle.  Totally unexpectedly, and far too soon.  He was at our house on Sunday celebrating my son's birthday.  Monday he was found dead.  He was 52. 

My family is very small.  It's me, my mom, my brother, my grandma, my aunt, uncle and their 3 kids.  I have a great aunt who was also part of the frey, but dementia is slowly taking her.  We've already lost my sister, and in such a small group, that void was more than noticeable.  Losing my uncle leaves another huge hole.  My heart aches for my family.  For my mother, who lost her only sibling.  For my grandma who lost a child.  For my cousins who shouldn't have had to lose a parent so young.  For my brother who was very close to this uncle.  And for me, because I feel like I can't quite handle this sadness.   

My uncle lived his life to the fullest.  A gregarious personality, he did things big.  My insightful cousin mused that perhaps he had burned up life -- had to go out big like he had lived.  I think that's probably very true.  After his death, we found out he had been diagnosed as bipolar and had been on medication for the past few years.  I wish we had known.  The outcome may not have changed, nor our interactions with him, but it makes me sad that we had no idea the burden he was carrying.  I will probably wonder for the rest of my life what pushed him over the edge that day, but I am not angry.  It's almost too sad to be angry about.  I'm sad that he was so alone, so lonely, and so desperate.  And I will miss him terribly. 

The process from death to burial was so fast, I feel like we only just went through the motions.  I hope my family is taking time to grieve, and knows that the time they need may be a lifetime.  I've learned the hard way that time does not heal such hurts, it just gives you a different way of coping with your loss. 

On a happier note, my first born turned three last week.  I can hardly believe that this little man is the same child I brought home from the hospital just yesterday.  I love him so much my heart hurts with it.  He is funny, and sweet, and loving and attentive.  I am so proud of the person he's becoming, and yet I want him to stop growing up.  Right now.