Boys and girls

I've always wanted children.  As long as I can remember, I knew having kids was going to be part of my life.  And now that I'm a mom, I know that I'm doing exactly what I was meant to do with my life. 

When I dreamt about having kids, I always imagined I'd have a boy first.  I don't know why -- maybe it's because I always wished I had an older brother when I was growing up.  But I always figured I'd have a girl at some point.  When I was pregnant with my second baby, I was quite sure it was another boy -- mother's instinct I guess.  I found myself quite envious of people around me who were having second babies that were opposite gender to their first.  I didn't realize how much I hoped for a girl until then.  Who knows, there is a chance I may at some point still have a daughter, but for now...well I'm actually very relieved at the way things have turned out. 

There is something pretty special about having boys.  I've been blessed with very affectionate children, and I love snuggling with them any chance I get.  I also love watching how the toddler's play has been changing.  He's definitely becoming more "boy" -- everything has to crash these days!  But I was quite a tomboy growing up, and still am.  I'd rather sit and watch ESPN than get dressed up any day!  I think being able to be "rough and tumble" with the kids is probably more my speed than playing with dolls and dresses. 

But truth be told, I'm relieved to have boys because I wonder how I would avoid giving a daughter my food issues.  Even now, I'm becoming more aware of using the phrases "I feel fat", or "do I look fat in this" in front of the kids.  My husband hates it when I say those things anyway, but I am conscious of the fact that I can also impart food and body issues to my sons.  I know the best way to ensure the kids have a healthy relationship with food is by giving them healthy options.  But I want to make sure that we all have a healthy body image too.  And I know that right now, my body image is not so healthy. 

I've been a little obsessed with the number on the scale since this whole process began, but ultimately, I just want to feel good in my own skin.  I don't even remember what that feels like!  To put on a pair of pants and have them not be tight, to not search through all my clothes to find the top that "billows" the most, to stop wearing my maternity jogging pants because they're just so darn comfy....

None of those things can be measured by a number.  I know that when my boys look at me, hug me, love me, they don't see a number either.  So now I need to see myself through their eyes.