A birthday celebration

Today would have been my sister's 30th birthday. 

I loved turning 30.  I was happy to get out of my twenties, which were problematic, traumatic and fraught with disappointment, stress, depression and yo-yo weight gain/loss.  A month before I turned 30 I met my husband, and things in my life were really starting to fall into place.  I was happy.  I threw myself a party (you know...if you want things done right, do them yourself....) and had a great time.  My biggest regret from that night was not spending more time with my sister.  My sister loved dancing.  She was having a great time at the bar, and didn't want to leave with my mom.  I promised her I would take her out dancing.  I never got to follow through with that, as 2 months later she unexpectedly passed away. 

I often wonder what she'd be like now.  Would turning 30 be as big a deal to her as it was to me?  Would she have met someone who really understood her?  How would aging affect her and her health? 

Saying "I miss her" is an understatement.  Sometimes the feeling of loss is so overwhelming, I'll find myself crying in the strangest places.  (One day, I was walking down our street, pushing the boys in the stroller with tears streaming down my face.  I'm sure I looked like a crazy person)  Part of me just misses HER.  She was definitely a unique person, and we didn't always get along, but she was funny and generous and kind...I miss having her in my life.  It also makes me desperately sad that she never got to know my children.  I know she would love them, and she would be around them all the time.  She would have been such a great influence for them. 

So tonight, we will get together and celebrate her.  The things she said, the things she did, and hopefully through our storytelling around the dinner table we can give the kids a glimpse into what she was like and who she really was.  I never want to forget those pieces of her, because I can still learn lessons from her pure heart even now.  But the biggest lesson is never put off til tomorrow what you can do today.  Because you never know when that 'tomorrow' might not come. 

Colours

I see in colours.

I realize that's a silly statement.  Don't we all see in colours?  What I mean is, when I look at someone, I usually see what colour they are.  Not all the time, but sometimes I just have an overwhelming sense that someone is "x" colour. 

When my first born was small, he just felt like blue to me.  I dressed him in blue clothes often.  This had nothing to do with the fact that he is a boy, but more to do with the fact that blue looks really good on him.  When I thought about decorating his "big boy" room, I just knew it had to be blue.  No other colour felt right.  To me, blue is a serene colour, a calm colour.  And the toddler was, and is, a calm child.  And he still looks good wearing blue, in his blue room. 

The baby is a different story.  Despite his fair colouring and his bright blue eyes, I don't see blue with him.  I see green and brown.  Sure, blue clothes look good on him, but they aren't the first clothes I reach for.  He's been wearing a lot of brown lately.  And when I think about decorating his big boy room (not yet!!! but one day....), I know it is going to be in tones of green.  I don't think of green as a high energy colour, and this child has energy to burn.  I'm not sure what to make of it.

My husband is also blue, but a deep blue.  The kind of deep blue you see in the ocean.  But he's calm, steady, and has a heart so big and deep -- it fits.  And he looks great in blue too.  No wonder most people think the toddler looks like him. 

My mentor is a pink.  Every time I'm around her, she just glows this lovely pink hue.  Maybe it's because she's full of love and grace and confidence.  And pink clothes look great on her too. 

I think the colour thing has to do with the energy I feel when I'm with someone.  Maybe that's why it doesn't happen all the time -- just when the energy is really strong.  I wonder what colour people see when they look at me. 

So in your life...what colours do you see? 

1 + 1 = 4?

There is a message board I frequent, and a lot of us "regular" posters have been around a few years now.  I've been a member since I was pregnant the first time...so more than three years now.  Many of us have already had our second baby, but there are lots of women still contemplating taking the plunge again.  In my real life, I have never encountered this, but there seem to be a lot of women in my online life that question whether or not they should have another baby.  Even if they planned on having multiple children, somehow they get caught up in the small details about having another baby and it becomes too overwhelming. 

The most common question asked to the "moms of two or more" is this:  Is it a lot of work going from one child to two? 

Honestly, adding another child to make us a family of 4 was almost no work at all.  However, I also didn't find it a lot of "work" to add one child to our family.  I often think that people who ask this question had a very hard time adapting to how their lives changed once they had that first baby.  Or, they had a difficult baby, or some other issue, that made the whole experience seem like work. 

The most recent online coversation around this brought out several interesting answers.  Several of us answered that no, it wasn't that much more work.  I mean other than having to get two kids ready to leave the house, it hasn't been that difficult of a transition.  It just is what it is.  But one woman was seriously amazed that no one thought it was more work -- she almost inferred that we were lying by not admitting to the woman asking the question that yes, indeed, it was difficult and challenging to have another newborn in the house.  Of course, this woman has had two very premature babies -- her first born at 28 weeks and the second at 30 weeks.  So yes, in that situation I would say it probably WAS a lot more work.  That isn't a normal situation at all! 

Many women find that once their children hit a certain age, things seem to be so much easier and they can't imagine going backwards (so to speak).  So the question always seems to get asked by women who can't imagine disrupting their family of 3....they've got a good routine going, their child is starting to be more independent, they can't imagine the sleepless nights and all the "work" of a newborn, they can't imagine loving a second baby as much as the first, they can't imagine taking the attention away from the first born....really, a bunch of excuses that didn't ever factor into my decision making process. 

I know we were lucky with our first baby.  He was a dream.  Easy going, good sleeper, adapted well to change, lovely personality, social.  We KNEW we had it easy.  But having an "easy" baby wasn't motivation for me to have another child.  I've always wanted to have children.  Plural.  We have always planned on having three children, but honestly, I'd have more.  Adding another member to our family hasn't been difficult, nor has it been more "work" for me.  Sure, the dynamics of the family change, but that isn't a bad thing. 

But if I'm being perfectly honest, things aren't as easy this time around.  It isn't adding another member to the family, it's adding THIS member.  This baby is a little bit harder to figure out.  He's definitely strong willed, got a mind of his own, and is growing at such a rapid pace that it has caused us quite a few issues.  He was a pretty good sleeper until he started teething.  He doesn't deal with pain well.  He's moving through gross motor skill milestones at such a rapid pace, I'm pretty sure he his brain can't keep up with all that change either.  I'm tired and long for the sleep-through-the-night times of the first baby. 

So would I do it again?  ABSOLUTELY.  There is no question that if I had to do it all over again, I would do it exactly the same way.  I wouldn't wait for fear that it might be hard on me.  I wouldn't choose to NOT have this baby because despite the challenges he gives us, he is so happy and loving and affectionate...he really is a light in our house.  And knowing that this time we haven't sailed through the way we did the first time is also not reason enough for me to stop having children.  I want more.  I want more because these children are my heart and my joy and I'm so blessed to have them.  They teach me more about myself and more about the things I want for our life than I could ever learn on my own.  They've given me the gift of patience (which I'm still perfecting), the appreciation for time, and the kind of love I didn't know existed.  And hopefully I'm loving them enough that they'll take care of me in my old age.  Just kidding.....

So if you're asking yourself, "can I do this again?", I am here to promise you that you can.  Because unfortunately (or fortunately!), nothing lasts forever.  The constant waking of the newborn stage is gone in the blink of an eye.  What was the reason you wanted to have a child in the first place?  Go back to that reason, and no matter what comes your way, no matter what kind of personality your next child has, you'll be able to cope.  Because you realize it's all worth it when those little arms are wrapped around your neck and your cheek is wet with their slobbery kiss.   

Affairs

I'm having a love affair.  It's fine though, my husband knows all about it. 

I'm crazy in love with my clothesline.  Laundry is the one household chore I've always liked to do.  Although sometimes I falter with the "final stage" of laundry (the putting-the-stuff-away step), I don't mind the actual washing/drying/folding part.  But there is something about my clothesline that makes me want to do laundry EVERY day.  When I decided to use cloth diapers with our second child, the most common comment I got was "oh man, what a lot of work!  Won't that make so much more laundry for you?".  My response was "yes, but I don't mind!".  And it's true, I don't!  If I'm already doing laundry for 4 people, what's an extra load here and there? 

Fortunately, we've had a stretch of nice weather, so I have been doing laundry quite frequently.  When using the clothesline, I have a little system for removing things, and I find the final step in the laundry process is no longer an issue.  I love the smell of air-dried sheets on my bed.  I am constantly amazed by the bleaching quality of the sun.  My diapers are pristine, and even outfits I thought the baby had ruined with his poopsplosions are now perfect again.  I live for the nice-days-in-March to the it's-finally-too-cold days in November -- our dryer never gets used.  I even love taking the clothes off the line.  That 10 minutes of quiet outside at the end of the day....well, it seems doing laundry is relaxing for me. 

I spend my days figuring out how to best configure our laundry room so I get maximum storage, a counter for folding and room for my we-can't-afford-them-yet front loaders.  I long for front loaders.  I can't seem to convince my husband that we NEED them.  And of course, I NEED them to be a pretty colour too.  He figures what we have is good enough for now.  Yes, they work....but front loaders are so much more energy efficient and use less water!  At the rate I'm doing laundry these days, those have to be valid reasons for shelling out money for appliances, right? 

Of course, my mother recently burst my bubble by reminding me that we recently had our smart meter installed, and therefore we're going to get dinged huge on our next hydro bill because I'm doing many loads during peak hours.    So I think I'm going to have to come up with a new system (or just work harder for my dream machines that use less water...).  Of course, I'm not thinking of that new system right now as I watch my sheets blowing in the breeze.  I'm just thinking about how great my bed is going to smell tonight. 

Am I the only one having an affair with a household chore? 

Lean on me

As women, I think that we're generally pretty supportive of each other.  I know in my life, I've purposely surrounded myself with like-minded people who will celebrate with me in the good times, cry with me in the bad, and root for me when I need a little "helping hand".  In any group of friends, there are always the "go to" people.  You know the kind -- the one person that will always say the right thing, make you feel like you are the smartest person in the world, or will hug you hard when you're struggling and not make you feel stupid for crying...again. 

When I'm in a new group of people, I like to observe the dynamic.  It is interesting to see different people interact, and I often wonder what draws them together as friends.  I'm a people-watcher at heart, and there is nothing quite like people-watching in small social setting.

Today I was at a baby shower for a friend.  This is someone I know from work, so I don't know any of her other friends.  There were a couple new moms there, a few women without children, and a couple pregnant women.  There is nothing quite like a shower to bring out the competitiveness between women.  Which I never really realized before, but since this was the first time in a long time I didn't really know anyone else at the party, it gave me a lot of time to sit back and listen. 

It struck me that when people should be the happiest for you, someone (often more than one person) ends up silently sabotaging.  Like when you're losing weight, for example.  Have you ever been in that position where you're doing really well with weight loss, and you've been very dedicated to a program, and you spend time with the one person who says "oh just have one, what will it hurt?"   Or when you get a promotion at work -- finally, someone has recognized your hard work, your dedication, and someone comes along and says "Oh wow, good for you.  But won't this be a lot more work for you now?".  Sounds supportive, right?  It's all in the tone and delivery.  Sure, logically you can tell yourself that person is just jealous of you.  And they probably are.  But wouldn't a better response be "That's wonderful, can I take you out for a drink to celebrate?"  Or "you're doing so well, let's meet for a walk instead of dinner so you aren't tempted to stray from your weight loss plan". 

So what is it about having a baby that gives women the license to sabotage their friend's happiness?  My friend ...let's call her Jane....is extremely educated about birth.  She has spent the better part of her pregnancy reading and learning about labour and birth plans.  I wish I had been as educated about the process as she is.  She has hired labour support, and is 100% committed to having a drug-free birth.  It's the one thing that she is firm on in her birth plan -- no epidural at all costs.   During the shower, her pregnant (and overdue) friend ...let's call her Stacy...was sitting beside her.  Stacy is 5 days overdue, and going in for induction tonight.  She was joking about how she couldn't get the epidural fast enough.  Of course, it made me sad that a) she was going to be induced so early and b) just clearly wasn't educated enough to understand what she was in for in the next 24-36 hours.  But I think what bothered me more was that Stacy is Jane's friend...a very good friend...and yet she didn't realize how much Jane knew already.  Her first comment was "I'll call you Monday and tell you all about it".  Okay, sounds supportive...right?  But when you heard the tone, I just knew the sentence to follow was "I'll tell you how terrible and hard it was so that you're prepared". 

Just to digress a bit...why is it that when you announce you are pregnant, every woman you've ever met (and some you haven't) will share with you their "my labour and delivery was SO awful" tales? 

Back to my point:  when these women were discussing labour and delivery, and my friend Jane was very open about the fact she is planning a natural child birth, Stacy pipes up and says "You can change your mind you know.  You can always get an epidural half way through if you want". 

Of course, this statement (at face value) is true.  The beautiful thing about being citizens of this country is that we have choice.  However, if you know Jane and you know her mindset, telling her "it's okay, you can cop out" is like offering chocolate cake to a starving person on a diet.  Even if you don't agree, why can't you just say "that's amazing, I can't wait to hear your birth story"???

I know that even when we don't realize we're competing, somehow we end up being competitive.  It happens, sometimes very innocently (the May issue of Today's Parent has a great article about competitiveness among moms).  Other times, the intent isn't so innocent.  I'm going to choose to believe that Stacy's comments today were meant to be supportive.  It just hurt me a little to know that it wasn't the kind of support my friend Jane needs right now. 

This serves as a good reminder for me too.  I know I can be rather opinionated at times, especially when it's something I'm passionate about.  So, for now, I love you and support you, no matter what choice you're making.  I'll hold your head back when you puke, I'll hug you hard when you're crying, and I'll buy you the first drink when you have news we need to celebrate.  

Energy within

Do you believe that things -- inanimate objects, material possessions, etc -- have an "energy" about them?

I've always believed (known?) that people exude an energy.  We've all been around those people that can bring the feeling in a room either up or down, depending on their mood.  My former boss was one of those people.  You walked on eggshells around her until she said hello.  With only her body language and that one simple word, you could tell how the rest of the day would go.  Positive or negative, she definitely had a "force" about her. 

Not too long ago, I learned that we (humans) exude a heart energy that can span up to 5 feet around us.  So, when we are feeling stressed, the people around us can pick up on that.  Which is why so often, as a mom, if I'm feeling totally angry or stressed out, my children tend to be a little bit more antsy as well.  Since learning this little tidbit I've worked much harder at remaining calm and it's done wonders.  Of course, it's easier to stay calm now that my hormones are more balanced since coming off sugar, but I digress....

Lately, I've been contemplating the potential that there is energy in the objects around us. 

I often have house envy.  I hate going to people's houses and seeing their clean, clutter-free homes.  Or seeing brand new houses that are perfectly decorated.  Makes me long for things I feel like I'll never have.  But, I've also been in beautiful houses that are cold.  You know the type -- the house that you're worried to sit on anything in case you spill?  I'd like to think that although my house isn't clutter free, or tidy most days, that is exudes a warmth.  I want my house to be a home where people feel comfortable to spill and where the walls are positively soaked with love and laughter. 

Part of the reason I started thinking about this was because the baby seems to have a particular aversion to his crib these days.  Only at night of course.  So I wondered if maybe there is some energy in his room, or his crib, that is contributing to this cycle of terrible sleep we seem to be trapped in.  While I believe that we got to this place fairly innocently (back to back illnesses, two new teeth), we seem to be stuck here with no improvement.  So what gives?

When I was pregnant with the baby, my toddler showed no interest in giving up his bed.  And, I wasn't willing to force him into leaving a crib before he was ready.  So we borrowed a crib from our friends.  My intention was to move the toddler into the borrowed crib, and keep our crib for the baby.  However, the toddler had other plans.  He is very particular about things, and he wanted nothing to do with the new crib.  So, since the baby would have no idea, we just moved our crib into the toddler's room (where his big boy bed was all set up and waiting for him!), and have been using the borrowed crib for the baby. 

The toddler's sleep habits are legendary.  Right from the get go, he was a great sleeper.  But he was also not a "typical" baby.  He never hit any milestones at the "right" time.  Ever.  He never teethed, he never really crawled, he never really did much of anything....except sleep.  And talk (which he still does).  We knew we had it easy with him. 

This time around, things are much more normal.  This baby seems to hit every milestone when he "should".  He is a terrible teether (clearly).  He's already crawling.  He is much, much more active.  For such an active baby, his sleep was actually pretty good.  Sure, I longed for a baby who slept through the night, but putting him to bed was easy and he would sleep long stretches and would only wake one to two times a night.  So all in all, he was pretty good. 

Until now.

So what's changed?  Nothing is really different now than it was 2 months ago...other than the fact that he is much more mobile and has two new teeth to show for all the pain.  But now that he can move, and the teeth have popped through, I figured we'd go back to normal.  What was normal for him anyway.  But we seem to be stuck.  Which made me contemplate the energy in his room and his bed. 

When we bought the furniture for our nursery, I was pregnant with our first child and we were obviously very excited.  We picked out the furniture and it was a big deal -- it was the first furniture we had purchased together as a couple.  We intended that crib to be used for all our children.  A lot of our hopes and dreams are associated with that furniture, and I love it today as much as I did the day we picked it out in the store.  We decorated the nursery with care and love, again intending it to be the room we put all our babies. 

The borrowed crib is not something we chose.  The house it came from is very different from our own, and the people who used it have a very different parenting style than we do.  The mother who offered us the crib is one of the kindest women I know.  She'd give you the shirt off her back if she thought it would help you, and I know it was that generosity of spirit that compelled her to offer us the bed where she'd had her own babies.  Please don't misunderstand me, I'm grateful that they were in a position to help us out -- it saved us buying another piece of furniture.  It just makes me wonder if this crib came to us with some of their "energy" attached to it? 

Yes, I realize this is a little "out there", and I'm probably grasping at straws trying to fix a situation that right now seems unfixable.  But last week, the toddler moved to his big boy bed on his own terms (hooray!) and wanted the crib taken out of his room.  He's graciously (ha ha) allowed us to give the crib back to the baby.  Maybe having the baby back in the bed that was intended for him all along will change the dynamic of his room.  Maybe it won't.

No matter what, it makes my heart happy to lay my baby's head in the bed I want all my babes to sleep in.  And maybe the toddler's sleep energy will rub off the mattress....

I can hope, right?