Sunday, January 31, 2010

To new beginnings...

Whenever someone makes a toast, they usually comment on what is great about the present and what they hope for the future.  So here is my "toast" to me....

Day 28 ....today is my last official day of detoxing.  I can't believe it's been a MONTH.  More importantly, I can't believe how much I've learned, and how quickly I reclaimed my body.  In 28 days, I've lost 9lbs.  I'm happy with that because I know my body has been kick started into our new lifestyle. 

Last night, I was blessed to have an impromptu date with my husband (thanks for babysitting mom!!!).  We haven't been as good about dating this time as we were after having the toddler, and I've missed having a little alone time with him.  We went to a movie, which was great.  We splurged and went to the VIP section of the Westmount theatre.  So nice!  They have in-seat service, and my beloved had a beer delivered right to our chair.  The amazing thing to me was that I didn't even crave a drink.  I really and truly didn't want one.  I love red wine, and I really enjoy beer....so the fact that I didn't even want to have one was a bit surprising.  But like I said to my husband, I'd rather wait and save that first glass of alcohol for a special occasion.  And since our anniversary is in less than a month, I think I'll save it for then.  Intellectually, I've always known that cutting out alcohol would be a key to my weight loss.  Not that I drink often, but when we're out for dinner, or having a special family occasion, I'd have a glass of wine (or two).  And when I was pregnant, all I really wanted was a good glass of wine.  But now...well let's just say my lack of desire for a nip was even surprising to me.  We did have popcorn and it made me feel so nauseous!  Lesson learned. 

So what's next?  There is lots of really great reading out there supporting the clean eating lifestyle.  I'm excited to add in some grains to my diet (quinoa is first on the list!), and there are so many good recipes I want to try, I'm not sure where to start first!  Really, I just can't get over how easy this switch has been for me, and how I don't even miss my old ways.  Keeping my diet gluten-free should be fairly easy, but on the odd occasion when I can't avoid it, so be it.  I plan to keep my dairy intake to the bare minimum, because I also think that not having dairy has helped me feel my best this month.  Obviously I'm going to keep sugar on my "avoid" list, and I plan to keep with the "no eating after 7pm" rule.  All of these things have helped me -- helped my energy level, helped me lose weight, and most importantly, helped me gain control of my life again.

For me, this detox wasn't a "start and stop" thing.  It was the start of a new way of life.  I don't view the detox being over as an "end".  I know it was an important process to go through because now my system is totally cleaned out, and as I continue going forward, I'm adding in good things on top of good things!  I don't plan on changing much, just adding in some new meals. 

So here's to me as I continue on this journey and explore eating clean.  May my family continue to reap the benefits.   

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Personality Traits

I have many favourite things about being a mom, but one of the most fascinating things is discovering my children's individual personalities.  They are just so interesting...and SO different!  And yet, a little the same too. 

When a child is born, everyone is always trying to figure out who they look like.  Even now, it's the first thing people say -- "oh, the baby looks so much like you/your husband/your grandfather/our family" and so on.  It's crazy.  Obviously when you mix two gene pools, some of their features are going to resemble SOMEONE on either side.  They may even resemble me (I was their home for 9 months after all).  But to me, they just look like themselves.  They are so darn cute it hurts my heart just looking at them sometimes.

But what I love is finding out what kind of people they are.  I remember paying such close attention to the toddler when he was a baby...I wanted to know if his quirks would show up later when he could walk and talk.  And they have!  He was always so babbly, not interested in working on his gross motor skills.  Same now.  He is so chatty, and not a climber or a jumper.  He's happy to sit and play and is really a rather calm boy. 

The baby is also VERY babbly.  I assumed our second baby would be a quiet one, thinking that the older child would speak for him.  Not so.  This baby has found his voice!  Not only does he babble, but he is forceful with his voice.  He's calm and content most of the time.  But when he's bored or tired or hungry, he'll let you know in no uncertain terms.  I have to remember this about him for when he gets older.  He's also VERY active.  He moves non-stop!  He rolls, he wiggles, he just seems to be constantly on the move.  I think we're in for a bit of trouble with him in that regard, and for the first time ever, we may actually have to baby proof our house! 

I contemplate the nature vs. nurture argument a lot.  I know that the example we set and the values we instill in our children will account for something.  But that innate part of who they are at the core...THAT is what I want to know.  I want to know so I can parent my children to the best of my ability.  Not apply some parenting techniques just because I think they're a good idea.  I know that in order for me to allow my children to grow and thrive I need to know their heart completely so that I can parent them the way that THEY need. 

I know I'll have failures, and I know that I'll make mistakes.  But I hope at the end of my life, my children will know that I loved them enough to really KNOW them.  And I'm working very hard to be the best I can be for them.  Even now, when they're small and love me no matter what I do and can't tell I have flaws. 

God knew what he was doing when he gave these little people to me.  These little people who will challenge me and help me grow and teach me a love I didn't know was possible.  And a level of frustration I didn't know existed too. 

I am blessed to have these children.  They deserve to have a complete and present me.  Even though the detox is officially winding down (3 more days!), we are committed to making this way of living...this clean eating...our new lifestyle.  I can't imagine going backwards.  I know I can't give up this energy or my health. 

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Shame

I often feel that guilt is a useless emotion.  For some reason, women are terribly afflicted with the guilt gene.  Everything we do makes us feel bad for some reason.  If we take time for ourselves and put our family on
"pause" for a moment, the result is instant guilt.  If we eat too much over the holidays, more guilt.  We push our own feelings aside, our own needs aside, our own wants aside, because if we don't....well, more guilt of course!  If you can recognize that by putting yourself first on occasion, you can actually be a better version of yourself, a more present version of yourself, you and your family will all win in the long run.  But it can be hard to get to that place.  The place where you're okay with self-care.

But shame is a different kettle of fish.  Shame is insidious.  The weight of carrying shame around with you can just about kill you. 

I recently found out that an acquaintance is engaged.  The funny thing is, no one really knows the "how they met" story.  At least, not the REAL story.  Everyone thinks they met through friends.  The real story is that they met online.  She is too ashamed to tell everyone how they really met. 

I find this SO odd, especially in this day and age.  When you're in your thirties, how do you meet people?  And why be ashamed of something that is obviously successful?  I'm very proud of the fact that I met my husband online.  I feel very blessed that we had the internet as a dating option, otherwise I never would have met him! 

I also know a woman who is so ashamed of her eating, she hides it.  Food is hidden all over the house, and she'll eat chocolate in her closet just so no one will know. 

We all have something we're ashamed of.  If we think long and hard, there is something that we're still carrying around with us.  Carrying it like a weight and paying the price for that weight.  Weight ...literally and figuratively for some. 

I'm no different.  There are skeltons in my closet too.  I've carried the shame, but I've let it go.  It doesn't serve me anymore.  There is no pay off, there is no reward.  Let that be your gift to yourself this year.  Let it go.  Let it all go. 

I choose me.  No guilt.  No shame. 

Monday, January 25, 2010

Tough times

Today started off very badly.

The baby had a great sleep last night, and woke up once...at 4:30.  But when he was still up at 5:15, I admit I totally lost my patience.  Not sure where the unreasonable rage came from, but fortunately my beloved husband stepped in and took over and got him back to sleep.  Poor little bean had a lot of gas, which is why he couldn't get back to sleep.  He ended up sleeping until 8:30 after all that, and so did the toddler, so I was able to recover. 

But the rage continued when I got on the scale for my weekly weigh-in and the scale hadn't moved.  Seriously??  I just couldn't believe that with everything I'm doing there has been NO change. 

Fortunately, I was able to put it out there to my support team and I immediately had the support I needed to let go of my anger.  Really what I wanted was answers.  And I was given some, which helped!

I really like to know the "why" of things.  I am pretty easy going and can let things happen, but when I'm invested in something, I don't like ambiguity.  I need to know if A happens, then B will be the result.  So when I hadn't lost weight, I just wanted to know that there was a reason, and I wanted it to be a concrete reason.  Thank goodness for our fearless detox leader who was able to give me those answers and reassure me that things ARE happening! 

What took me by surprise the most was the level of rage I felt this morning.  I have felt so calm and even through this process, I was amazed that something so small set me off.  I hope that's just my system releasing more toxins.  I'm grateful that my husband was here, and then my support team stepped in and I managed to get things under control quickly!  More importantly, I didn't even feel the urge to eat.  Nor did I want to give up.  It actually reaffirmed for me the reasons why I started this process in the first place.

I need this.  I need to keep working at being a better version of me.  Yes, a thinner version of me is important. But it's MORE than just weight loss.  I'm glad I was reminded of that this morning. 

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Time

How do you make time stand still?  If someone has the answer, please let me know.

My kids are growing up too fast.  Every child I know is growing up too fast.  Last night, we spent the evening with the toddler's play group.  We've been together as a group since the kids were about 8 weeks old.  We reminisced last night about how the kids all used to fit on one blanket side-by-each, they'd sit still and we (the moms) could drink tea, eat our snacks and visit.  Looking around last night, it was amazing to see them all running around, playing with each other, going to the potty, talking in sentences...they're all such little people now.  It makes me sad to think of how fast time has gone by when all I want to do is hold on tightly to each moment.  We're all on second babies now (some recently delivered, some newly pregnant) and it is so much fun to see the group growing.  I love these women.  They kept me grounded during my first maternity leave.  Seeing them each week gave me social time, but also gave me a safe place where I could just be myself.  I love their kids.  I love that soon there will be more of their kids to love.  

I want these kids to stop getting bigger!!!

I managed to overcome my first food challenge last night too.  We got together over dinner so there was pizza ordered.  Of course, all I wanted to do was eat it...lots of it...but I went prepared with veggies, hummus and a stirfry and felt good afterwards that I had kept with my plan.  Not only that, but I was surrounded by people who understood what I was doing and didn't try to sabotage me by encouraging me to "cheat". 

I love these women.  If you do nothing else with your life, find women who encourage you and support you.  They truly are a blessing.

Friday, January 22, 2010

My failing body

Earlier this evening I saw a new chiropractor.  I feel like I'm cheating on my current chiropractor, but my mom has been so concerned about the state of back she wanted me to get a second opinion from her guy.  So after she made the appointment for me, I went. 

Now, I'm open to trying new things, but I also happen to be pretty loyal.  Once I find someone I like (be it esthetician, hair dresser, massage therapist, whatever), I stick with them.  I like my chiropractor.  He's a nice guy and I always feel good after my adjustments.  The results of the adjustments don't last long, but I've been chalking that up to the fact that I don't have a lifestyle right now that would allow my back to heal.  I leave his office and have to immediately pick up a child.  It's just the way it is. 

After talking with this new guy, and then him doing an assessment, I realized how messed up my back really is.  He even strongly recommended I get a req from my doctor for a CT scan so that we truly know what we're dealing with.  I know a lot of my issue is from weak muscles, and after two pregnancies, I have no ab strength.  I'm working quite hard on improving that right now, but it takes time.  Anyway, it was a very long appointment because he was so thorough, and I felt like if I stick with him I may actually see an improvement. 

The one thing he kept saying to me over and over was that I am "still young" and we need to get this fixed now while I have "youth" on my side.  I found that so funny.  I feel like my body has been failing me for years.  Between the back issues, which have led to chronic pain issues, combined with knee pain, I feel like I've been falling apart by inches for a long time now. 

The good thing about this week is I've made working out a priority.  I've spent at least an hour each day doing some strength training and cardio and I feel pretty good.  My back has been the best this week that it has been in ages.  Intellectually, I have known for a long time that "exercise will help".  I just haven't worked this hard to make it a priority.  I've tried the gym, and just like everything else, I've failed at that.  But I'm not a gym girl.  I think you need to take what you have and make it work for you.  What I'm doing may not work for anyone else, but that's not the point.  The point is that I have found something I like doing, it's working for me and I'm seeing results.  I'm building strength in my body on all fronts.  Maybe there is a chance my failing body will do a complete turnaround. 

Hopefully the new chiropractor can help me with this turnaround -- hopefully I like him and I'll see results.  But how do I break up with my old chiropractor?

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Habits

It's amazing how quickly you can change a habit.  If you want to, that is. 

For the last few months, as I've been dealing with the craziness two small children can bring, I have slumped into a nasty habit of eating my way through the afternoon.  And evening.  I'd put the toddler to bed in the afternoon, perhaps the baby would be sleeping too, and I'd welcome the sweet relief a little silence brought.  I could sit down (finally!) and have a few minutes to myself.  Sometimes that silence would be accompanied by chocolate, sometime chips...there was always something to snack on.  In the evenings, feeling totally exhausted, I'd park myself on the couch to watch a little TV, spend a little time with my husband, and both of us would indulge in more snacking.  Over Christmas, I even added some drinks to the evening "ritual". 

There is comfort in ritual. 

Besides changing mealtime habits, part of this process has helped change my overall daily habits.  I have to admit, I like my new rituals.  Life isn't getting any calmer -- I'd say it's just getting crazier.  Between nursings, feeding the toddler, play time, errands, laundry, keeping the house (somewhat) clean, nap time, potty training, making dinner...sigh...the list does seem endless some days.  I still look forward to that quiet time in the afternoon when both children are napping.  But instead of filling the silence with food, I'm spending my time working out.  My energy levels are great because of the food I'm eating, but adding in the workouts has given me the extra "push" to get through the rest of the day.  Even when I crash on the couch after the kids are in bed, it's a good kind of tired.  I know that I have accomplished a lot in my day.  I've been present for my kids, in every way possible and I've been there for myself.  That's the most important thing.  Putting time in every day for me.

I'm doing this for me.  I'm doing this so I can be a healthier (and hopefully thinner!) version of me.  But by putting myself first, I'm actually doing this for everyone in my family.  We all win.  And all it's taken is a few little changes here and there. 

There is comfort in rituals.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Boys and girls

I've always wanted children.  As long as I can remember, I knew having kids was going to be part of my life.  And now that I'm a mom, I know that I'm doing exactly what I was meant to do with my life. 

When I dreamt about having kids, I always imagined I'd have a boy first.  I don't know why -- maybe it's because I always wished I had an older brother when I was growing up.  But I always figured I'd have a girl at some point.  When I was pregnant with my second baby, I was quite sure it was another boy -- mother's instinct I guess.  I found myself quite envious of people around me who were having second babies that were opposite gender to their first.  I didn't realize how much I hoped for a girl until then.  Who knows, there is a chance I may at some point still have a daughter, but for now...well I'm actually very relieved at the way things have turned out. 

There is something pretty special about having boys.  I've been blessed with very affectionate children, and I love snuggling with them any chance I get.  I also love watching how the toddler's play has been changing.  He's definitely becoming more "boy" -- everything has to crash these days!  But I was quite a tomboy growing up, and still am.  I'd rather sit and watch ESPN than get dressed up any day!  I think being able to be "rough and tumble" with the kids is probably more my speed than playing with dolls and dresses. 

But truth be told, I'm relieved to have boys because I wonder how I would avoid giving a daughter my food issues.  Even now, I'm becoming more aware of using the phrases "I feel fat", or "do I look fat in this" in front of the kids.  My husband hates it when I say those things anyway, but I am conscious of the fact that I can also impart food and body issues to my sons.  I know the best way to ensure the kids have a healthy relationship with food is by giving them healthy options.  But I want to make sure that we all have a healthy body image too.  And I know that right now, my body image is not so healthy. 

I've been a little obsessed with the number on the scale since this whole process began, but ultimately, I just want to feel good in my own skin.  I don't even remember what that feels like!  To put on a pair of pants and have them not be tight, to not search through all my clothes to find the top that "billows" the most, to stop wearing my maternity jogging pants because they're just so darn comfy....

None of those things can be measured by a number.  I know that when my boys look at me, hug me, love me, they don't see a number either.  So now I need to see myself through their eyes. 

Monday, January 18, 2010

And now, my liver

Well after two weeks, we're now on to cleansing our livers.  You'd think after 2 weeks of not drinking I'd be cleansed, but apparently not so.  We're not really changing much of the plan, just adding in a few more supplements, and focusing on working out.  So this will be my challenge -- committing to an hour a day.

I'm really proud of my peeps -- we're all doing well and have stayed focused on the plan.  I can't wait to see the group after the next 2 weeks!

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Interesting moments

Do you ever have those moments where you go "this...this is the low point in my marriage"??

Picture this:  Saturday night at midnight.  Kids are in bed, blissfully asleep.  It's dark and quiet, and a young couple who are hopelessly in love are cuddled up in the warm bed. 

Romantic, right?  Well instead of spending that time wisely (ahem), we got into a rather deep conversation.  About poop. Yes, you heard it.  We spent the better part of an hour discussing colons, how they work, if it really was possible to have years of "spackle and paste" stuck in there, and finally, what it felt like to have a really good clean out.  Yep, that's romantic.  When you ignore sex opportunities for poop discussions, it's definitely a low point (although rather funny).

I've been at this "clean out" for 2 weeks now.  I can't believe it's been 14 days already.  I definitely couldn't have done it without the support of my husband.  I'm glad that we both feel strongly about having a healthy family, and I'm grateful that he's willing to accept any change that I bring into the house without complaint.  He's even curbed his late-night snacking so as not to offend me (or rub it in my face). 

Come to think of it, maybe this is a high point after all.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Energy to spare!

I am a MACHINE. 

I have not had this much energy in forever.  For as long as I can remember, I've been very sloth-like.  Yesterday, I cleaned the house top to bottom, did 4 loads of laundry, and worked out on the Wii.  I felt awesome.  Even today, when my little alarm clock woke me at 7am, I felt totally awake.  It's unbelieveable really. 

Okay not really unbelieveable.  But it still amazes me that food was having that much of an effect on my overall well-being.  The baby seems to be responding as well.  Makes me sad to think I had him on a 4 month long sugar high (considering my view on sugar in children).  His sleep habits this week have been really good. 

These reasons alone are why I want to stick with this.  I feel great, I'm sleeping well, and the baby is sleeping well. 

So having said that, is it wrong to admit I REALLY want a pizza?  Don't ask me why, but the last two days I've been craving pizza.  Not even bad pizza, but the good kind we buy at the market that are fresh and homemade.  I heart them. 

I think to distract myself I'll go workout. 

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

The ties that bind

This isn't my first trip to the rodeo. 

I have a confession.  This isn't my first detox.  Okay, it's my first FOOD detox, but this is about so much more than just food.  And every time I "detox" my life, I find out who, and what, is really important. 

Six years ago, when my first marriage was ending, I ended up doing the fastest, most painful detox of my life.  I was surrounded by toxic people masquerading as friends, and I was a shell of my former self -- fat, self-loathing, depressed.  While going though a painful life-change, it became very apparent very quickly who was really there for me, who really loved me.  More importantly, loved me for me -- flawed and imperfect as I am.  Out of that painful chapter emerged some really beautiful friendships.  Some old, some new.  Strong women, with broken and imperfect hearts of their own, giving of themselves to help me through a tough time.  I gave up on the old friendships that weren't working for me anymore, lost the weight, moved on from the depression, and became a new me.  A successful detox if you ask me.

I've also detoxed my emotional baggage.  Too many issues for this poor blog led me to several stints in counselling.  Let me say that I'm a HUGE believer in counselling and think it's wonderful.  But it's work.  You have to be willing to be open and honest.  Having said that, it is absolutely amazing to submit to the revelations that come from dealing with the issues that plague you.  To be wide open like that, completely vulnerable but at the same time completely honest....well, that's the best kind of detox.  After my last emotional detox, I met my husband.  Another successful detox I think! 

Now here I am, detoxing again.  This time, I'm detoxing my unhealthy behaviours.  Obviously I hope to lose some weight, but more importantly, I want to establish some healthy patterns for my family.  We were halfway there already, but this detox is pushing me to go all the way.  Which I love.  But the best part of all this is that I'm once again surrounded by wonderful, beautiful, strong women who are giving of themselves to support me through the process.  I'm making new friendships and strengthening old ones while walking along side people who GET it.  No matter what happens with this detox (meaning:  whether I lose the weight or not), I know that I'm making life-long connections with some pretty fantastic people.  We may have all "come to the table" for the same reason, but our reasons for continuing and staying are not.  However it's comforting to know there is someone in your corner, picking you up when you fall and pushing you to achieve your goal.  And that's success in my books.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

4 A.M.

I have a love/hate relationship with 4 a.m. 

The baby is still waking up in the night to feed.  Which I keep telling myself is normal.  Really, he's a pretty good sleeper.  Unfortunately for him, his brother was (and still is) an exceptional sleeper, so it's hard not to compare.  When the toddler was this age, he was sleeping through the night.  I'm not sure why the baby won't do it...he's done lots of long stretches.  I just can't seem to get him over the 4 a.m. hump. 

There is a part of me that's okay with that.  I remember being sad when the toddler started sleeping through.  Don't get me wrong, I love the sleep.  It's just at that time of the morning, the house is very, very still and quiet.  It's just you and the baby and your thoughts (however good or bad THAT may be).  At that time of the morning, the baby is VERY focused.  He's not wiggly, or distracted.  He just eats and goes right back to sleep.  While he's eating, I love listening to the silence of my house.  I can hear deep sleep breathing from both the toddler and my husband, and it's oddly calming.  I love being the one that can fix the middle-of-the-night distress for my baby.  I love that for a little while, there is focus on just him, and I think that is when our bond is the strongest.  Yes, there is part of me that relishes that little bit of alone time in the very, very quiet.  For that, I love 4 a.m.

I hate 4 a.m.  I'm desperate for a full night's sleep.  When 4 a.m comes, I realize I'm STARVING.  This has always been the case, but it seems worse now.  Of course, even if I could eat something, I'm too tired and lazy to walk downstairs to get it.  I drink some water, and get back into the warm bed and silently curse those that are still sleeping and haven't even realized I was awake.  I try desperately not to resent the fact that I am the only one who has to be up. 

When day breaks and we wake for the day, perspective has changed again.  The house is awake with noise, and my focus shifts to being on everyone, and everything, else.  I no longer give anyone, or anything, my undivided attention.  As I go about my daily tasks....laundry, potty training, food prep....I long for the middle of the night silence and look forward to tonight when I have those few precious minutes to focus on me. 

Monday, January 11, 2010

Irritation central

Lord, I'm irritated today.  Everything, and everyone, is setting me off.  Last night was actually an okay night, and we had a pretty good morning.  But I made a COLOSSAL mistake that I ended up paying for, for the rest of the day.

I've been desperately trying to get my baby to nap better.  Some days he's fantastic, other days it's a crap shoot.  The last few days have been pretty good.  His pattern seems to be one longer nap, and one shorter nap, and then a cat nap in the late afternoon.  I wish I could get him on two long naps, but I figure that'll come.  Monday mornings we normally go to a play group, which is a great way for us to a) get out of the house, b) allow the toddler to burn off some energy and c) for me to connect with some friends.  Well, today I decided we'd forgo the play group in favour of getting the baby to have a decent nap.  BIG MISTAKE.  Okay, maybe not that big, because he DID have a good nap.  But the toddler was so rammy all day.  The afternoon brought short naps for everyone and about 10 minutes of alone time for me. 

Enter rage city. 

I'm not mad at the kids....I'm just mad.  I feel totally exhausted and totally defeated today.  And before you comment, this has nothing to do with food.  I ate really well today and am REALLY full!  I had good, well-planned meals and was very prepared.  Dinner was a tad delayed due to an oversight on my part, but it was okay...I wasn't starving. 

I managed to watch Oprah today and organizational guru Peter Walsh was on.  I have a pretty big crush on him.  I would pay any amount of money if I could get him to my house. 

Here is the root of my rage.  My house is a disaster.  Some of the mess is hidden where no one can see (the basement).  Some of it is right out in the open (the family room).  The toys all over the place are driving me insane.  The clutter is driving me insane.  The fact that I have zero organization in my life is driving me insane. 

And I'm overwhelmed.

This detox is about more than just food for me.  All of this is wrapped up in one big huge issue.  The state of my home has led to the mess of my body.  The mess of my body lets me hide behind the fact that I can't deal with the mess of my house.  And I feel totally alone. 

I'm dealing with one thing at a time, which is the best way to tackle this I think.  If I can get a handle on my weight, energy and health, then I can tackle the REAL problem. 

When you come over, please don't judge me. And consider yourself warned. 

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Extra hands

Today I had extra hands for everything.  Extra hands to help clean up, prepare food, juice and eat!  It was so nice.  I love the weekends.  Even though our general routine goes out the window, it's so nice to have someone else around to help with things. 

Why is it that on the weekends I feel the most organized?  How do I translate that feeling into the week? 

I'm hoping that my new-found energy will help.  This afternoon, all the boys napped.  While they napped, I did a Wii workout, prepared dinner and tidied up a bit.  Normally during nap time I'm feeling so exhausted that I plunk my arse on the couch and surf the net and try and "regroup" while I have a few minutes to myself.  I know I should be doing other things...laundry, cleaning, dinner prep...whatever.  But I'm always too tired, and figure I deserve that time out for me.  But today, instead of getting into bed with my hubby to nap, I took time for me...in a different, more productive way.  It felt great!  I felt like I was on top of things, and I even managed to get dinner on the table at a reasonable time, and made enough so there was leftovers for lunch, and a freezer meal!  Talk about starting off the week on the right foot. 

The only "fly in my ointment" so to speak is that right now I'm feeling rather fat.  Ugh.  I'm down 4lbs, which is great.  I'm just hoping that by adding in more activity, I'll start dropping a bit more weight.  This is always my issue.  I like instant gratification!  This is my reminder to myself that slow and steady is the healthiest way for me! 

So now I'm off to do a little bit more of a workout, have a bath and then off to bed.  Here's hoping that I get some good sleep tonight which will burn more fat! 

Saturday, January 9, 2010

What am I good at?

Today, I was watching my son play with his train set.  As always, I'm amazed by his excellent fine motor skills.  He's got so many things he's good at, even at his young age.  I'd love to take all the credit for that, but I know that a lot of it is just him. 

So what am I good at?  What are the "special gifts" that I bring to the world?  I'm sure I could name some if pressed, but the one that comes to mind immediately is sleeping.  Yes, you heard it.  I'm good at sleeping.  If there was an Olympic sport for sleeping, I'd win gold. 

I had mono in second year university, and I've never quite been the same.  I need a lot of sleep.  A full night's sleep AND a nap is my idea of heaven.  (well, finish that off with a glass of wine, and then that's pretty close to perfection in my eyes)  Our first child is a champion sleeper...always has been.  He takes after me I think.  When I found out I was pregnant with our second child, I wasn't worried about how busy I'd be, or how I'd cope with two kids.  Nope, not me.  I worried about how much sleep I'd lose when the new baby came along. 

Somehow, I've been coping.  Perhaps not well, but I've been coping.  Fortunately, my husband is used to my bizarre need-for-sleep and takes the kids each weekend so I can either sleep in, or have an afternoon nap.  It helps me "catch up" and prepare for the week.  Baby #2 still hasn't figured out how to nap for any great length of time when his brother does, nor is he sleeping through the night yet.  I feel like I am struggling...constantly.  I'm always tired. 

I'm tired of being tired.  This is probably the number one reason I'm doing this detox.  I need some energy.  I need to be able to do more than just "cope".  I want to actually be present in this life I'm living.  I want to stop living in a fog of sleeplessness and fatigue.  And I'm quite sure my husband wants me to stop napping. 

Today was the first day in MONTHS I didn't sleep in and I didn't nap.  I had breakfast with my family.  I took my baby swimming.  I worked out in the afternoon.  I held my baby and made him laugh over and over. I danced in the family room with my toddler.  I made dinner with my husband.  And I rocked my baby to sleep and watched him smile and laugh, even as his eyes were closed. 

I was HERE.  All day, I was here.  And I'm full.  Physically and emotionally, I'm full. 

Here's hoping tomorrow is as good.  But for now, I'll relish today. 

Friday, January 8, 2010

I am a yo-yo...

My weight has been yo-yo-ing for as long as I can remember.  The last 6 years have been the worst.  In my twenties it didn't seem to be that big of a deal.  A few pounds on in the winter, and then when baseball season started in the spring, I'd shed them.  By the time I turned 25, that became harder and harder to do.  I'd put a few on in the winter, but then not lose it all in the spring.  The following winter I'd put on a few more...well you get the picture.  I started to compound.  Like interest, but not as good.

Six years ago, almost to the day, I hit my highest weight ever.  I was in a terrible marriage and very depressed.  I was emotionally eating and I LOOKED like it.  I managed to get out of the situation, and in a short period of time dropped the weight.  I got some counselling and a new outlook on life.  I was the happiest I'd been, and I LOOKED like it. 

Five years ago I met my husband.  We've had a beautiful life together, and I can now say I am absolulely the happiest I've ever been.  Sure, we've had to deal with a few ups and downs, all of which brought some new weight to my curvy figure, but who hasn't had some setbacks?  We've been blessed with two beautiful children, and I'm quite sure I love this man more now then the day I married him.  And he loves me, no matter what I keep doing to my body. 

So what's going on?  Why now am I back up to my all-time highest weight?  I'm not emotionally eating.  I've been there, done that....I know what it looks like.  Why is it that I have become obsessed with ensuring my family eats healthy, but I am overweight and sluggish?  I'm doing all the right things, I have all the right tools....what gives?

In the middle of the night, while nursing my baby, I reflected on this.  I haven't been emotionally eating.  I've been thoughtlessly eating.  A very different thing with basically the same result.  Sure, I've got all the right food in the house, and I prepare healthy meals.  My problem has always been portion control.  And, I haven't been putting the right foods together.  Of course, there is also my overwhelming addiction to sugar, and all-things-bad-for-me.

I love food.  I'm not going to lie.  I love a beautifully prepared meal, with a great glass of red wine.  And I will always have dessert.   I don't think once in awhile that will hurt.  What's been hurting me is the constant late-night snacking.  The big portions.  The CARBS.  (I love my carbs)

Day 5 has been a success.  4lbs down.  How many more?  I guess that's up to me.  Clear and present eating.  That's my plan for tomorrow, and the next day, and the next....

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Rocking the detox

Okay, so I'm not "old" technically...but I feel old. All of a sudden, my age is catching up with me. The face in the mirror is 20, but this body certainly is not. My knees are creaking, my back is a mess (thanks to two beautiful children), and I'm tired. All. the. time.

So I'm doing something about it.

Me, and a bunch of other lovely, strong women I've been blessed to meet are doing a detox together. Nothing crazy. Not those "off the shelf" things you hear advertised all the time. We're just using plain ol' food. Imagine that! A few supplements (like Vitamin D and Whole Food), and we're good to go.

So far, so good. Today is Day 4. The first part of the program is 2 weeks -- a colon cleanse. A whole lotta fruit, and a whole lotta vegetables. No wheat, sugar, dairy or red meat. Of course, my body and mind almost had a revolt before we started. How can I, a grade A certified sugar addict go without for TWO WHOLE WEEKS?!?!?!

I wasn't sure I could. Actually, I wasn't sure I could go without red meat for 2 weeks. But, so far so good.

Day 1, I didn't eat enough and was a raging lunatic. Rather bitchy, even for hormonal ol' me. By Day 2, the toxins were starting to escape and I had a giant headache. In the middle of the night, while feeding my baby, I honestly wondered if anyone had died from a headache. So I caved and took an ibuprofen. Much, much better. By Day 3, the craving for sugar was gone. Oh sure, I still am craving food. I can see the stuff in the store, or in my house, and it's calling my name...but I am not listening. For once in my life, something is stronger than the sugar. Not sure where I'm getting this willpower from. It's not really like me. I mean, I didn't get this body overnight. Oh no, this is tried-and-true lack of willpower people! So why now?

Day 4. Well, I'm down 3lbs. 3lbs in 3 days...yep, that's motivating. And I feel good. I don't feel so puffy or something. This afternoon is hard. It's the first day I've actually wanted to rip open a bag of chips, so I'm eating celery instead. Same crunch, but better for me :) And all my hummus is gone now, so I may be BACK at the grocery store tonight. I am getting rather sick of the grocery store trips. Obviously, this is teaching me how to be uber organized too!

One day at a time, I'm committed to making this work.

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